I Love My Chiropractor

I have had quite a few chiropractors along this journey and I have really loved all of them for one reason or another. Each one taught me something valuable and new and I have just loved learning from them.

Chiropractors can really get a bad rap from the traditional medical community and I think it's just not fair at all. They really do have ALOT of pieces to the puzzle and I think it is so wise to get to know more than one of them, especially since they each seem to sort of specialize in something a little different. Some chiropractors specialize in nutrition and supplements, others specialize in structural issues, and still others seem to specialize more in energy healing. I think it's all important and worthwhile.

My current doc is so wonderful, gentle, kind, gifted, amazingly smart, and of course helpful. Yesterday he hurt me a bit as he moved around my organs, but boy am I glad he did! Things seem to be working better.

My wish for the world, is that we could each have a couple of chiropractors, a holistic MD, and a traditional MD, all for very little money.

I wish I could help more people afford help. Ugh.

Sugar is Not So Sweet to Me

I haven't written a post in a while because I've actually been feeling pretty darn ok! Notice I was careful not to say I'm feeling great, because I'm far from that, but I've actually been getting out and doing fun things with my family and it has been wonderful!!!

I was doing well, and thought I'd have some fun and eat brownies and candy at Halloween. Ugh. Bad idea! After that mistake, I got to suffer a huge flare up of all my symptoms. It is yet another reminder for me that sugar is definitely not sweet to me right now. When I say I had a flare up, it's not just a sugar headache. It is literally a flare up of a hundred symptoms.

I really think that anyone trying to heal chronic illness should carefully consider staying away from sugar as much as possible. It's amazing to me how many of my symptoms flare up with it and if I didn't normally stay away from it, I might not even know that's what was making me flare up. Anyway, I always say everyone is different, but it's definitely a huge factor for probably a lot of people.

I love the book "Healing Multiple Sclerosis", by Ann Boroch. It has really helped me to understand the importance of staying away from the junk as much as I can. :)

Mistakes Can Teach Us

The journey through health is a massive learning experience, filled with ups and downs, triumphs and mistakes.

When you want to emerge out of chronic illness, you are constantly loaded and bombarded with opinions on what to do and how to get better. When faced with these massive amounts of choices to make, it's enough to make you crazy!

AHHH.

I finally realized that the whole process is imperfect and that it takes time to implement the best plans for healing. The plan changes and evolves over time and I've learned to be still and quiet and do my best to listen and pray for direction and then move to make a choice. The frustrating thing is that even though I do that, I still make mistakes all the time. The best I can do, is go back to my place of stillness and prayer and try to take the lessons learned from the mistake and try again.

We can not be too hard on ourselves. When we realize how many times we had to fall before learning to walk, maybe then we can understand that falling down is a big part of many of our life experiences.

I just wish falling didn't hurt so much!

Individuality in Health and Healing

We as humans are so much the same in many ways, yet so different as well. The road through health and healing is an individual process and should be treated that way.

I have a very good friend that has dealt with many of the same chronic health issues as me, yet there have been times that we have had to move through this journey in vastly different ways. It doesn't mean that I am right and she is wrong, or that she is right and I am wrong. It just means that we are different.

I'm not saying that principles of healing are not universal , but it's important for us not to judge each other for the process that we go through individually. We can never fully understand all the pieces to someone else's puzzle, so we just have to love. We can not know the lessons they are learning and the direction their personal journey is helping them to experience. We just can't know.

We each need our own navigation system to guide us through this jungle of life.

Healing Vs. Band Aiding

We all need a band aid from time to time. There is no denying it. In fact, when I started on my downward health spiral, I realized I was in for a lot of band aiding. And I also realized it was necessary at times. When I say "band aiding", I am referring to the immediate, emergency type care that we sometimes need on this health journey.

The frustrating thing is that it seems like much of the holistic medical community looks down on the band aid approach, but I have to say that it has absolutely been critical for me at times. On the other hand, just because we do need the band aids at times, shouldn't cloud our vision on the miraculous tools that are out there for healing. It's unfortunate that much of the traditional medical community doesn't even think about the process of healing and cleansing through an alternative approach.

I guess that's partly because healing takes time, patience, prayer and a lot of work. The process of healing is not really that easy, but it is worth the effort that goes into it.

So anytime someone tries to tell me that I have to go "all" traditional medicine or "all" alternative medicine, I just remind myself that I have needed to use both and various times in the journey, and I have a feeling most people do to. It's better to be humble, prayerful, and open to the needs that our own bodies have at various times along our journey.

Taking Time Out to Heal

One thing I have learned through healing chronic illness, is that it has been really important for me to do everything I can to take time out to heal. It has meant that we have had to make drastic changes in our life so that I can do that. Taking time out means different things to different people, but I believe that as we pray for guidance to know what to do, we can slowly find what is right for us.

For me, it has meant that I have to put off teaching piano and choir for a season, until I am stronger. This has been very difficult for me. I've been teaching piano since I was 15 years old and have had to postpone something that I really love.

But for now, I feel so much peace when I look at my calendar and know that I can rest, pray, meditate, and heal every single day.

Never Give Up

I got so sick during my last round of infection fighting that I felt totally hopeless and wanted to give up on it all. The sweet thing, is that my husband had brought me a book called, "Never Give Up", by Joyce Meyer. At the time, I was too sick to read, and didn't even notice the title. I put the book away.

A few days later, I was crying to my husband and told him that I wanted to "give up". Moments later, I felt the impression to go read that book. Tears streamed down my face and I knew I was meant to read it. I recommend it to anyone who is dealing with the process of healing chronic illness.

More importantly though, I think it is so cool how we can be personally inspired to read something that is just what we need, when we need it. The process of healing chronic illness (and "life" as well) is all about seeking for that personal guidance to help us make it through and learn the lessons we need to learn along the way.

On a side note...

Being the mormon girl that I am, you wouldn't expect for me to be reading a book by Joyce Meyer. In fact, many people think that mormons are not Christian, which is completely untrue. I think there is some great insight, truth, and hope to be found in many places, and I am thankful that I was lead to that book at a time when I truly needed it.

Hormone BALANCE

I picture myself sitting in a beautiful concert hall, listening to the most amazing piece of music, when all of a sudden, some crazy violin player decides to take over and play grossly out of tune and twice as loud as everyone else. The audience stirs and I cover my ears. Without that balance within the orchestra, the piece of music becomes a complete mess to listen to.

There's a reason they call it hormone BALANCE. I'm really starting to see that it's the balance that's the key, but unfortunately, not so easy to achieve when you are dealing with chronic illness.

I really think we underestimate the absolute power of hormones and hormone balance. On the surface, we tend to think of them as these silly little guys that can cause emotional trouble around our favorite time of the month, but in reality, they are amazing workhorses that perform unbelievable tasks that we should not underestimate. In order for us to feel well, they have to be working together in harmony.

I do realize that the hormone balance gets shifted as I work to remove infection and heal my body, but I'm hoping that I can at least achieve a closer balance right now. The balance may not be able to be perfect yet, but hopefully better over time.

I have a new integrative doc that I'm seeing next week, and I am very hopeful that he will be inspired to see what we need to do. I think it's time to really get serious about bringing these babies closer together to create that beautiful symphony that I'm hoping for.

The Chicken or the Egg

I've realized I can drive myself crazy trying to figure out what is the "main" thing wrong with me. I've tried to go about it that way and it never seems to help me out much.

What caused all this craziness in the first place? Was it the lyme? Was it the toxic exposures? Is it the hormone disfunction? Is it the autoimmune? Is it the leaky gut? Is it the liver detox impairment? Is it the teeth issues? Blah, blah, blah, blah blah. For every hundred things that could be wrong, there are a hundred doctors with their opinions on how to fix it all and each doctor is SURE they know what is the "main" problem. Ugh.

I don't think I'll ever know which came first. I am tired of trying to figure that out. I'm at the point right now, where I feel like I have to just try to do my best in each area. And this is where it goes so dang frustrating. It just feels like too much.

All I can do is take one baby step in each area, try not to give up, and pray for grace to make up the difference. There's no other choice.

I believe I can get better. I believe I will get better.

I AM Getting Better

This last round of infection fighting has been so hard. It takes everything in me to believe that I CAN do this. Usually, just as I am about to give up all hope, something comes along to help me believe again. Nothing was really happening like that yesterday and I just sat in my bed, feeling total fear and hopelessness.

It was at that point that I made the decision to get myself out of bed and write the words

I AM Getting Better

on a piece of paper.

Then I curled up and slept for 12 hours straight. Today has been better and I do feel more hope.

Getting Worse Before Getting Better

Clearing out the infections makes me sick. I've tried to find ways to avoid it, but it doesn't seem to be possible with my knowledge and experience at this point. I wish there was another way.

The concept of getting worse before getting better follows along the lines of the "herxheimer" reaction. When I work to get rid of the infections, my body feels crummy. And when I say crummy, I mean CRUMMY. They say there are ways to minimize the severity and I try all those tricks but in the end I still feel like I just want to crawl out of my skin and escape the experience altogether.

I've been trying to get better at learning to go slow enough so that I don't fall too hard, but it's a delicate balance and it's just not easy. Really. I get frustrated with all the "simple" information on it because other people make it just seem like it's no big deal. You just do "this" or do "that" and you won't feel sick. I do know that the organs have to be supported and the toxins have to be bound and then assisted out the body but it has never been a walk in the park for me. It just has NOT.

My doctor did a treatment this week that was supposed to be MILD...but sure enough...a couple of hours later I'm going through the sweating, shaking, twitching, nausea, chills, dizziness, total body pain, etc. etc. Oh man, I just want to cry even typing it. It is really hard. Really, really hard.

I do take measures to support my body during this time and maybe someday I'll be more skilled at gently assisting the garbage out while supporting the organs and systems, but I think it's a learning process and everybody is different. I have to listen to my body and my intuition to do the best I can. I have to remember that I am not perfect.

I feel like the conductor of a huge orchestra and I'm still just trying to get the darn musicians to practice so we can put it all together to create a beautiful piece of music.

"Principles" not "Products"

Ok, so this is something I feel pretty passionate about. I've learned to be careful not to say I'm right about anything because it seems like I get proven wrong more often than I'd like, but on this topic, I'm pretty confident.

I have found it necessary to focus on the "principles" for healing rather than any particular "perfect", "cure-all", or "miracle" product or process. That doesn't mean there aren't certain products or processes that are great for me and my healing journey. I have found my fair share. But I have been knocked down too many times to believe that there is one thing that will do the job in one fell swoop, once and for all. It just doesn't work like that. One thing may work for someone but not work for another. What worked for me at one point, may not work for me forever. It's just that simple.

I have found that the "principles" for healing stay pretty consistent but it's the way to go about it that mixes and changes and varies with individual people and timing.

So if your friend has found something that has been great for them, that's great, but realize that it just might not be the right thing for you at all. We all have the responsibility to study, pray and seek for personal guidance on our own journeys. It's no easy task, but important to consistently remember.

So, I've ended my quest for the perfect product or process now and simply seek out for those things that will best suit my healing journey at the moment.

Accepting Limitations

So I have learned the frustrating truth through this process that there going to be setbacks and there are going to be limitations that I simply must accept. This is an ongoing part of the journey.

I just recently went to a great biological dentist in my area and found that I have 5 infections in my mouth. FIVE! My pour mouth. With this stinky digestion I have been dealing with, it's no wonder my teeth are a mess. I'm slowly working on the digestion, but I am realizing that the teeth work is going to cost money....BIG TIME MONEY. Dental work is not cheap and insurance companies only seem to want to pay pennies to help out. I have had root canals in the past (which my body doesn't seem to be happy with) and now I get to deal with the consequences of infection.

So now I must practice that lovely "P" word until I have the money to get these teeth worked on, which will hopefully be soon. I'd like to rid my body of this burden as soon as I can.

Ticking People Off?

Ok, so my last post was so sweet and lovely about people, but today I'm feeling claustrophobic. As I have been working to heal chronic illness, I have REALLY needed my space most of the time. It is difficult for me to sit and talk with someone for very long and I find it very hard to help them understand this.

Some people really want to help and their intentions are pure but really what I have needed is to be free from as much general social interaction and expectation as possible.

The best service I can get right now is a quiet little, brief love offering...e-mails being the BEST! I really need my private, serene space so I can mediate, pray, and take the supps that are helping the healing process.

I really don't want to have to tick people off, but somehow, I have to let people know...poop.

One Conversation

Reducing seven years of debilitating, chronic illness into one conversation is like trying to fit a tent into a jar. You can roll it, smoosh it, and try to shove it in, but in the end, it just can't be done.

This kind, lovely new neighbor of mine came over to see if she could do anything to help me. The minute she sat down, I knew she was compassionate and genuine. She listened intently as I stumbled over my words as I tried to explain all this...

But how do you help someone really understand that you've been through hell and back several times? How do you make sense of the roller coaster ride that it is? How can you possibly express the pain on the inside that is so completely unapparent on the outside? How do you help them see that just because you may feel better one day, does not mean that you have made it through this difficult journey and have now reached the other side? How can you help them realize that this illness is the hardest thing you could have ever imagined, yet wouldn't change it for all the life lessons you have learned and the new person you have become?

It just can't be done in one conversation. I always end up feeling so unfulfilled. All my experiences just end up sounding so trivial. I really would like to just sit people down and have them watch a little movie of my life, with all the music and special effects to give it the impact it deserves. But no one can or should take on that kind of a burden. In the end, I find it's best to say as little as possible, while still helping the them to understand in a way that will satisfy their desire to know. It's difficult, and I have to learn to let it go.

The only time I feel truly fulfilled in conversation is through prayer. That's it. Through prayer, I know that I am completely understood. Through prayer, I can feel comfort knowing that my deepest, darkest places have been seen and that my life movie has been watched. Through prayer, I know I can receive total and complete validation. Through prayer, I know I can receive the guidance and help that I so desperately need to make it through this.

Back to my neighbor though...

People like her teach me. They teach me that you don't have to completely understand someone's journey before you can offer love and compassion to them. They teach me that although we are limited in our ability to take away the suffering of others, we can offer a listening ear and a kind word now and then. They teach me how important it is to be genuine and caring toward others as we ride through this bumpy journey called "life".

I want to be just like her.

The Battle of "The Shoulder People"

I have two people on my shoulders.

The guy on my left has a dark rain cloud overhead and is saying:

-You CAN'T do this.

-It is impossible.

-Look, you've been trying so hard for so long and you are still sick.

-People live there whole lives sick. What makes YOU think you should be any different?

-Just give up.

-Even if you were able to eventually get better, it would take so long that it's just not worth the work.

-You really can't figure it all out.

The guy on my right has a sun overhead is saying:

-You CAN do this.

-The body CAN heal. It just takes patience, work, and time.

-You ARE meant to get well here on earth.

-You CAN be guided through careful planning.

-Don't give up. You will see the rewards of your efforts as you continue in faith.

-Learn to be careful, patient and let go of the fear through the dips.

-The things you have researched and learned of are true.

-You ARE receiving help to navigate through it all...more than you know.

-You will look back and see the colorful picture that has been painted through this hardship.

The hardest thing is that it is so much easier to give in to the guy on the left. His way is just so easy and requires no effort on my part. The guy on the right tells me things that are hopeful, yet difficult. I kind of wish he would just say, "It's all going away and you will be better by morning!"

I guess all I can do is continue to fight the battle. I will do my best to pull through to the place of hope and listen to the guy on my right.

Just please, no carrots dangling over my nose!!!

Wild Goose Chase?

Today, truth be told, I feel like I am on a wild goose chase trying to get better. I am in a TERRIBLE flare up and I feel little hope for recovery. The smiley face on humpty dumpty is making me mad. I just want to change it to a big frowny face and add some tears. This is so hard.

Baby Steps

When I say I have to take baby steps, I really mean BABY steps. My body is so deficient in nutrients, it's crazy, and you'd think that it would be just perfect to add them in and, poof, feel better. But it doesn't work that way for me. Every time I take anything, my body reacts in some crazy way. For example, yesterday the only change I made in the daily supplement regimen, was that I added a half of a magnesium. Today I have felt like I have the flu, along with serious dizziness, itchiness, twitichiness, and all over pain and weakness. My husband is convinced that this is all MS...but whatever...I'm not sure it really matters what label traditional medicine would put on it anyway.

I think next time I will only take one fourth of a magnesium. I'm trying to figure out how to move forward and progress, without feeling too bad in the process. It is so hard. My MD just says to go as slowly as I need to.

Will I ever get better this way?

Last year, I decided I was so darn sick of being sick that I decided was going to flippin get rid of these infections once and for all. My mom came to stay with us while I took antifungals and antibiotics (natural ones for the lyme) and minerals and ginger and aloe and blah blah blah, and I ended up getting so sick I couldn't leave the house for 6 weeks (except to go to the hospital a couple of times). I had to quit teaching piano and choir (which I am sadly taking a long term break from at the moment) and suffered a hell that only my mom, husband and kids know about. I never want to go through that again.

I would just never touch that stuff again, except the problem is that all of my lab work and information, shows that I do have these infections, that my detoxification systems are impaired and that I am deficient in many nutrients that need to be replenished. On top of all that, my endocrine system seems to be all over the board. It feels impossible to make sense of it all.

All I can do is continue to move forward, taking one baby step at a time. I will do my best to believe that I CAN get better and hopefully my body will continue to slowly recover, even when it doesn't feel like it.

Chutes and Ladders

Yesterday I played a game of Chutes and Ladders with two of my kids. I have never liked that game. I didn't like it as kid and I don't like it now. I have always felt so frustrated with this idea of moving forward, just to be let down on your next turn. To make matters worse, I was so disgruntled and distracted that I kept going the wrong way. I really just wanted to quit the game altogether. Ugh!

I decided to keep going so that I didn't have two very disappointed kids on my hands, and just as we were finishing up, my husband mentioned how much this game is like the process of healing chronic illness. Just when you think you are making progress, you get pushed back. Just when you think you have reached a high point, you fall down again. At that point you can either choose to quit the game or pick yourself up and spin again.

Another lesson to learn from this game is that it really doesn't help us out to compare ourselves with other people. We are each moving along the game board in our own ways. We are individually experiencing ups and downs and working out our own movements. (Just because I can't eat cheesecake right now, doesn't mean that I should be mad at my husband for enjoying a slice now and then.)

Of course, that doesn't mean that we shouldn't be here for each other to offer help and love, but it does mean that we should not be competing and comparing as we each play our own game. The great thing, is that if you look at it that way, discouragement can give way to hope, frustration can give way to patience and perserverance, and competition can give way to personal guidance.

So here's a poem I wrote that I think I'll set to music (and send to our piano publisher)

Yesterday, I played a game with ladders and some slides.

We moved our pieces 'round the board

And laughed at all the rides

But then it started going bad as smile turned to frown

Cause just when I had neared the top,

I had to slide way down

The competition soon became just selfish for us all

The worst of it, was how we hoped

To watch each other fall

Eventually I lost, then vowed to never play again

It really stinks to play a game,

You feel you'll never win

But then I had a thought that'd bring me guaranteed success...

I'll just play "with" and not "against"

And set to do MY best.

Looking Back

I'm feeling some gratitude today as I look back and see how far I've actually come. When you are in the middle of all this and you still feel crummy at times, it's hard to remember the successes. So today, I'm going to be thankful for all that I've learned and overcome.

The Whole Picture

So in dealing with chronic illness, I've come to realize that many of my body systems have run amuck. As I strive to move forward, it's difficult to keep my mind on the whole picture. I have found that something grabs my attention for a while but then I find that I have to step back again to look at everything. It's really kind of hard.

For example, it seems to be an ongoing game for me to try to balance the hormones, and I don't know if they will ever be totally balanced until I can get these darn infections out, but nonetheless, sometimes they are so off that I absolutely have to address them. When my thyroid or adrenals are haywire, there's no way my body can deal with detox or killing infections. It seems that I focus my attention on balancing those hormones for a time, but then I have to come back to addressing everything else again. It's really frustrating to know exactly what to do and when to do it, but I guess I'm learning as I go.

To help me with this process, I have found it really helpful for me to keep a record of my health issues and plan, to keep me focused on this big picture! Keeping records also gives me hope that I CAN get better even if it takes a lot longer than I would like.

Carrot, Anyone?

I recently moved across the country (a HUGE undertaking for a girl dealing with all this stuff) and I was going through my old journals today. I'm not sure if it was good for me. In fact, I read through an entry from about 5 years ago, when I was just fresh on this chronic illness journey. I had so much hope for a quick recovery back then. Ugh!

Sometimes it feels like hope is just a carrot dangling in front of my nose. But it has to be more than that. I have to believe that I CAN straighten all this out....thyroid, adrenals, total hormone havoc, leaky gut, fungal infection, lyme, chronic fatigue, fibromyalgia, MCS. Is it possible???????AAAAHHHHHHHH. All I can do is pray and hope and work hard, I guess.

Right now I am trying to get the vitamins in to prepare for a leaky gut protocol. I have such a hard time putting ANYTHING in my body so I have to go super, super slow. I have been able to get in the B12 and today I tried magnesium. We'll see how that goes.

Finding Gratitude

So I'm over my pity party and I have decided to move past it for today...I'm not saying I won't be there again, of course, since this whole process is like riding waves. It seems to help me to let out my frustrations, then do my best to move to that place of gratitude.

Chronic Illness has a way of teaching you amazing life lessons in a very deep and personal way. Because I don't run around shopping everyday like I used to, I find these really sweet and simple moments when I can just read about, meditate on, and listen to the lessons I need to learn. And gratitude seems to be a recurring theme.

Brown Rice and Health Coaching

It's so funny. My diet right now is pretty much brown rice....that's all I can tolerate! In fact, my chiropractor was even surprised when he tested me and found that I can't tolerate most foods, including vegetables. Of course, I know that fresh fruits and veggies, whole grains, and lean protein sources would be so good for me, but I'm stuck. Stuck with brown rice.

I found this little wellness coach on line today. I was all excited, because I'd like to enjoy a little upbeat coaching now and then, until I realized that she recommends not eating rice and salt. The salt has saved me with my poor adrenals and if I cut out the rice, then that would leave me with nothing to eat. Period.

Can we really coach each other??? I don't know. Maybe the best health coaching we can give each other is this:

1. Believe you CAN get better.

2. Pray for guidance and inspiration to know what to do.

3. Study and learn about what is out there.

4. Develop an organized plan and then do your best to stick with the plan. Pray for guidance to change things up when needed.

5. Be as patient as possible (at least try to fit patience in there between sobs) and never give up!

I'm not saying that we can't really help each other and I think it's great that people are trying to help others overcome chronic illness...it's just kind of complicated and never quite as simple as we wish it would be.

Hopefully one day I'll be able to eat food again, but until then, I'll have to keep my rice and salt on the menu. :)

Discouraged

Today I just feel so hopeless. The years of working through this are making me feel so overwhelmed and frustrated. I feel like I can't eat ANY food, go ANYwhere or do ANYthing without getting sick or having some icky, stinky flare up. It feels like my body is a burning fire of immune dysfunction and havoc and I try and try and try everything. I don't think there is a thing on planet earth that I have not tried and studied about. I work and work and pray and pray and try and try. Every time I try to take a step to improve, I just get sick. My body reacts to every single dang thing I put in there. It is so confused and mad at me. I am so sick of being sick. I am so sick of being sick. I am so sick of being sick. I don't want to complain, but my heart aches almost as much as my body. Please, bring me success. Please bring me success.

Please bring me success.

I feel like I know all the garbage that's in there and I know all the jumbly mess that needs organizing, and I even know all the great techniques for getting it all fixed but for some reason, my body has to make every single dang move I make so hard. Why can't I just take a nice little anti-fungal and "poof" the fungal infection is gone. Or why can't I just take a little thyroid medicine and "poof", the whole endocrine system works like a beautiful symphony? Why can't I take some simple little aloe vera juice and have it so warmly and lovingly coat my wrecked gut?

I'm sure that self pity is not where I want to stay, but this is where I am today, and I want to be honest. I pray that tomorrow I can wake up to some success and hope.

Supplements, Supplements, Supplements

I have boxes of them. In fact, I have spent thousands of dollars on the process of trying to figure out what will work for me. I wish I could say that I just say a little prayer and then know exactly what to take, but it just hasn't been that simple. I have done muscle testing, MSA testing, and other energetic type testing but I still find that some things work and some things don't when they actually get into my body. I know that some things take time to get in and help, but it's hard to know, I mean it's just really, really hard to know what will help the healing process. And anyone who says otherwise is living some other reality than me. :)

In the process of trying to find things that help me, I have certainly found some amazing gems, but I would hate to even recommend anything right now, because I think we are all different. It is up to us to personally research the products, then do the best we can to take what we feel will help us.

I will say though, that I really don't think that there is any ONE company or any ONE product that would be considered the cure-all! I have to do my research, pray, then pick myself up and try again when I find that something doesn't work. If at first I don't succeed, I just try, try again!

The issue of paying for the supplements is another story. When I am better, I want to raise money somehow for people who are sick, because it's a dang stinkin' reality that it takes money to buy those supplements and pay for those holistic doctors. Ugh.

Walk a Mile

You know they say that you have to walk a mile in someone's shoes to really understand them and I think it's true. And since it's impossible to actually really experience someone else's life, then I guess that means we can't really know what it's like to live their life. We try so hard to offer our advice to each other, but it seems that more often than not, the advice just does not apply to our personal journey.

I've learned that no one really understands what it's like for me to deal with all these issues with chronic illness and heaven knows I've tried to help everyone understand. Other people seem to think they know what is wrong with me and how I should solve everything. I have felt heartbroken, betrayed, and frustrated time and time again but in the end, I have to realize that I really can't expect anyone to get it. They just simply don't know. I have to press forward with the information I have been given and move forward with my personal healing journey, regardless of what others may think or say about me.

I do hope that I can remember to be patient with others and remember not to judge them as they walk their miles in their own shoes. I hope I can remember that I simply cannot understand all of the challenges they are facing and I must simply be nice...which isn't always easy when you feel like poop. :)

Riding the Waves

Healing from chronic illness, for me has much like taking a long journey by ship. There are moments when the sea is relatively calm, moments when the waves are pretty strong, and then moments when I am tossed about in a terrible storm.

The challenge has been for me to be patient through the storms and do my best to remain hopeful. Symptoms can become so difficult and debilitating that I feel I have very little patience and faith. I find that I have to let out all of my tears and frustrations, then do my best to move to a place of faith again. This isn't easy, and I find I have to be patient with myself.

During the stormy times, my prayers turn into frustrated, begging type pleadings, but I think it's ok. It's during these times that I try to rely on the faith and prayers of others. Eventually the storm seems to pass and I somehow manage to find faith again, although sometimes it takes much longer than I would like. :)

Adrenal Fatigue

I am so thankful that I learned about my adrenals!!! I mean, I am SO thankful. This has been a huge piece of the puzzle for me and in a big way. I have had crashes that would have completely destroyed my life had I not learned about the adrenals, how they work, and how to help them. That doesn't mean it has been easy to nourish these workhorses. It actually has been a tricky and delicate endeavor, especially since I am dealing with thyroid issues as well. It's an ongoing balancing act that has required careful support. I am hopeful that my adrenals will start to work better on their own over time.

It has been super important for me to have a doctor that understands adrenal fatigue. In fact for me, it has been one of the most important components on my healing journey. The traditional medical community does not typically recognize this problem and I think it's one of the biggest holes in modern medicine today. And before you think that there are no MDs who recognize Adrenal Fatigue, please know that I happen to have the smartest MD on the planet and he is well aware of this VERY important issue. Jacob Teitelbaum also talks about the adrenals in his book "Fatigue to Fantastic". There are plenty of other MDs that validate it, so just because the docs don't agree, doesn't mean it doesn't exist...it just means they don't agree. It's up to us to navigate through the jungle!!! I say this all the time but it really is up to us to pray and seek personal guidance to get the answers for our own health. There will ALWAYS be conflicting opinions.

My favorite book on this subject is called "Adrenal Fatigue, The 21st Century Stress Syndrome" and is written by James L. Wilson, N.D., D.C., Ph.D. This title almost does it for me but I think I would call it "The 21st Century Stress and Total Breakdown Syndrome." Adrenal fatigue has been a much bigger issue for me than just what we think of as "stress". I have become completely bedridden when my adrenals are not working well....seriously bedridden for long stretches.

Sometimes I feel like I want to shout from the rooftops and tell everyone how important I think it is to understand the adrenals. I think it would be fun to walk around downtown Chicago with a sign that says, "If You Feel Like Poop, You May Have Adrenal Fatigue". Then maybe everyone would go home and google the words Adrenal Fatigue and start to learn about it and decide for themselves if it needs to be addressed for them. So if you if you ever happen to see a crazy girl with that sign in Chicago, you'll know it's me. :)

Just a Little Story: Airplanes, Tears, and Fears

My husband and I were preparing to go to a piano teacher's convention in Albuquerque. This was a BIG deal for me because I haven't felt well enough to travel for years. We just finished writing a new book for piano students and he was assisting in the launch of a new piano method. It was sure to be fun, but I was certainly fearful to take the plunge.

I was excited for the adventure, though, and my chemical sensitivity was getting a little better. I set out to buy myself some cute outfits for the big trip and managed to tolerate several stores over the course of a few days. Then, things took a turn for the worse.

My sweet husband decided he needed to dry clean all of his clothes for the trip so he could look his best. This is normal, right? Well, not at our house. Since developing multiple chemical sensitivity, we have had to clear out any and all sources of chemicals and strong smells from our home. (I know it seems kooky and extreme, but it's called "survival") So when the dry cleaning smells entered my little world, it was not pretty.

It started out with a headache, then progressed to "dizzy, twitchy, spinny, bizzaro" (as I like to call it). I became so sick and couldn't sleep at night. By the time the day arrived for us to get on that plane, I was so sleep deprived and sick, I didn't think it was smart for me to go.

My husband assured me that I could "rise above the symptoms" (a term we use a lot) and make it to Albuquerque for a great time together. The car arrived to take us to the airport and as soon as I sat down, I knew things were not going to get better. The beautiful leather seats had recently been treated with some strong chemical and my ability to rise above the symptoms became near impossible.

Our little Irish driver was so fun and talkative, but all his words were beginning to muffle together as my brain fog increased. My hands and legs started to go numb and by the time we arrived at the airport, I could barely walk. I held on to my husband as he continued to assure me that I could rise above the symptoms.

We made it through security and purchased some water before sitting down. As I began to drink the water, I realized something was wrong. A super strong chemical taste flushed down my body and hit my stomach like poison. I think the water was just flushing all those chemicals right down through my body. I began to sweat and shake and feel like I was going to vomit.

Still, my husband assured me that I would be able to rise above the symptoms. He helped me get on the plane and I sat down in total fear. Moments later, a lady sat down next to me with strong perfume. That was it. That was the last straw. The debilitating symptoms were just getting worse. The plane began to taxi and I just lost it. I quickly pushed the attendant button and sobbed as I told her that I had to get off the plane. My poor husband was just stunned and said that I just could not do that to 200 people. Nonetheless, the flight attendant could see that I was very ill so she told the pilot to take the plane back.

They put me on a wheelchair and rolled me out. There I sat, in the middle of O'Hare airport, sobbing, with hundreds of people walking by and watching. I kind of felt like an animal at the zoo.

My poor husband (I know I keep saying that, but I really did feel sorry for him) had to call his publisher to let him know that he missed the flight and would have to fly out the next day. (It turns out, he had to travel for 12 hours the next day and missed the presentation.) He then forked over $80 for a cigarette-smelling taxi ride home. I sobbed...he was silent. It was not a fun car ride.

As soon as I opened my front door, I really experienced what matters in life and that's the love of the people around us. My 11 and 14 year old sons let me literally cry on their shoulders. It was a connection I will never forget.

Multiple Chemical Sensitivity

I really don't like that I have this problem. I mean, I REALLY don't like it. Most people don't understand it at all and many people don't even believe it's real. But like I said before, if you have it, you KNOW it exists.

I used to be a girl with all the pretty scented lotions and amazing scented candles until my life took this kooky turn. My chemical sensitivity began to develop along with leaky gut as I started taking huge amounts of anti-inflammatory drugs for the sinus pain.

I do believe that as I progress through my healing journey, I will heal from this and maybe even be able to step foot in a store without getting sick. For now, I try to think of myself as a caterpillar resting in my little cocoon for a season. Some days, though, I just cry about it.

Chronic Fatigue and Fibromyalgia

You can stop reading right now if you are of the camp that believes these two problems don't exist. Just because the traditional medical community can't completely explain something, does NOT mean it doesn't exist. I promise! And like I said before about Multiple Chemical Sensitivity, these things DO exist and in a very real way. Some people experience only mild forms and others are debilitated by them. There have been many times when I have had so much pain and exhaustion that all I can do is just curl up in a ball and cry my way through an entire roll of toilet paper.

This kind of pain is so hard to explain. It feels like all your muscles have been put in a freezer then placed back into your body, then your entire body gets shocked with electricity, then poked and pinched in certain areas. Add to that, this intense dizziness and light-flashy stuff. Not fun!

Just recently, I have started to understand a little more about what is going on with it all. I was at my doctor's a few weeks ago (a great integrative MD that has been wonderful in helping me to put all the pieces together) and I grabbed a book to read in his waiting area. I didn't really notice the title but just opened up the book to some random pages and started reading about Hypothalamus dysfunction. I went off to my appointment to talk about my poor adrenals (which seems to be an ongoing struggle for me) and didn't mention the book. A few days later, as I was doing some research on the internet, I came upon Jacob Teitelbaum's book, "Fatigue to Fantastic". I ordered it, not knowing it was the exact same book I had read in my doctor's office. As soon as it arrived at my door, I was excited when I realized it was the same book.

I tell that story because it seems that I was meant to read this book. It's nice when you can get some clues that you are on the right track with your study. There is a lot of information in this particular book and some of it I can't use (I would react in a very bad way to many of the medicines or herbs he recommends) but it doesn't mean this book has not been super hopeful for me. I will continue to use it as one of my reference books as I work to put Humpty together again. It has explained many of the things my doctor has been testing me for (and I am the kind of person that likes to understand why I have to take a certain vitamin or supplement).

Anyway, one thing I do know is that this book for me represents only part of the process, rather than this final perfect destination. The title for me would read, "From Total Body Havoc to Gradual Improvement, with Certain Bumps and Crashes Along the Way." But like I've said before, no one would want to buy a book with a title like that, so I guess they're smart.

Detoxification

When you get sick like I have been, the body's detoxification systems get overworked, which means you feel crummy and your body is working hard, but just can't keep up with it all. This means that you have to take measures to support and heal your amazing organs.

I know detoxification sounds like something Hollywood stars do before their big red carpet events, but for me it hasn't been glamorous at all. It feels uncomfortable and I have to be careful and work with a doctor along the way. Even then, I still have to make sure to listen to MY inner voice on what is best for ME.

I don't really even like the word "detox" because we tend to think the purpose of it is to starve for a few days to lose lots of weight. But that is not how I have come to understand it. Detox, in my world, is the process of slowly assisting the body in the removal of the icky stuff that is keeping me from healing. In my experience, it's a principle that has required faith, because it is difficult for me to see the results immediately.

The best book I have read on detoxification is called "The 7-Day Detox Miracle", by Peter Bennett, Stephen Barrie, and Sara Faye. Don't let the name fool you! If you have chronic illness, you will NOT get better in 7 days or anywhere near that. For me, this book should be called "The 70 x 7-Day Detox, Long and Arduous Miracle". But nobody would buy a book with that title so I guess they were smart. This book has really helped me understand important concepts and I have found it most helpful for me to implement some of the basic ideas carefully, as my body can tolerate...I do a little, then take a break.

Study and Prayer

In my healing journey, I have found it to be absolutely necessary to put forth consistent personal effort through study and prayer. I have had to read a lot of books and articles in order to make sense of what is going on with the process of healing my body. The problem though, is that it's really difficult to navigate through the jungle of conflicting advice! I found that this problem creates the absolute need for me to seek personal guidance through a consistent pattern of prayer.

Throughout my blog, I will share books that I have read, but recognize that a book that has helped me may not be the right book for someone else. I think information can guide us and give us clues, but it is still up to us to listen to that inner voice to know what applies to our personal situation. It is certainly worth seeking inspiration as we read, so we can start to get answers...especially those answers that apply to us personally. :)

Leaky Gut

I know "leaky gut" sounds so weird. To someone who has never heard of it before...it is a little bizzare. In my experience, the traditional medical community did not say a word about it, but I was so thankful when I found out about it because it has explained a lot for me about what has been going wrong. In my opinion, this is a major player in my healing journey and has not been easy to work through.

My favorite book on the subject was written by Gloria Gilbere, ND who is a doctor that experienced it herself. Her book is called "I Was Poisoned By My Body...I Have a Gut Feeling You Could Be, Too!" In her book she says, "Simply put, your plumbing system develops a leak, intestinal permeability, causing the intestinal materials and toxins to enter the body tissues, rather than being properly digested and carried through the intestines (small intestine and colon) to be eliminated. The leaked toxins then circulate to the liver, increasing its workload. The liver is now unable to neutralize the toxins or filter itself efficiently. If the liver can't deal with the toxic overload, it flushes it back into the blood to deal with at a later time."

I personally developed severe leaky gut after taking 10 + NSAID pills everyday while trying to deal with sinus pain that I now think was caused by yeast. Over time, I have developed allergic reactions to almost everything under the sun and am now working to heal my poor gut and pooped out liver and gallbladder. It's pretty messy and frustrating, especially because my body does not tolerate supplements well at this point.

I look to Gloria Gilbere for my hope that someday my poor tummy will be happier, but in the meantime, I get to enjoy a tasty diet of brown rice and veggies. I am so lucky! :)

The Reasons Why I Have Been Sick

I want to get it out of the way....what I have, that is. I hate naming the disease states because, again, it makes it seem like I am stuck with it all, even though I'm not. The actual causes for chronic illness are a bit controversial, but I tend to think it's a combination of a lot of factors. So here is the list created by a mix of traditional and alternative doctors over several years of testing and guessing....

-Graves' Disease (Autoimmune Thyroid Disease)

-Severe Adrenal Fatigue and Hormone Havoc

-Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (Yes, this does exist....read "Fatigued to Fantastic" by Jacob Teitelbaum)

-Fibromyalgia (Same as above)

-Multiple Chemical Sensitivity (Yes, this DOES exist and if you think it doesn't, it's because you've never had it. When you have it, there is no doubt that it exists. It can debilitate you!)

-Leaky Gut (Yes, this DOES exist too, and creates major HAVOC that causes multiple allergies and sensitivities as well as major vitamin and mineral deficiencies)

-Systemic Fungal Infection (Yes, this DOES exist too. Traditional docs don't seem to pay attention, but I've been tested several different ways, including blood, and have found this to be an issue for me)

-Lyme Disease (I did test positive for Lyme. The whole idea of chronic Lyme is controversial. I absolutely believe in the reality of it but I'm still not sure if this is a primary issue for me or not. Time will tell, I guess. Or maybe not.)

-Other viral and bacterial infections

-Immune system disfunction

So that's basically the list. It's sort of "the chicken or the egg" on what's causing what, but I am carefully working through everything. I am working on cleaning out the bad stuff (lyme, candida, etc.) while trying to get the good stuff in (vitamins and minerals). I'm working to heal and support the organs (liver, gallbladder, etc.) as well as maintain some sort of hormonal balance. And all of this is NOT easy. It is very, very difficult and long, in fact. It is much longer for me than I ever thought it would be. But I have to believe that in time, my body will heal.

My First Posting

Ok, so this whole blog thing makes my head spin, but I really think it would be good for me to get going on writing all the crazy thoughts and experiences I've had over the years as I've tried to work through the process of healing chronic illness. So here's the deal....I really don't even like the words chronic illness because it makes it sound like you are stuck with it. I don't believe I am stuck with it. I do believe that I can heal and get better over time. And that is what I intend on doing.

I do, however, feel like Humpty Dumpty. I'm 34 years old and have been pretty darn sick for about 7 years. (Although most people around me have NO IDEA how really sick I've been...which is a post for another day) I actually have had health setbacks for many years but after my 3rd baby, I got so sick it put in bed long term. I don't really want to get in to all the details right now, but let's just say that I've had debilitating pain and fatigue and about a hundred other wacky symptoms.

I know everyone is a little tired and achy after having a baby but I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about the kind of pain and fatigue that stops you in your tracks and keeps you from doing anything at all. Picture a young mother of a new baby sobbing and crawling through the house.

Anyway, my journey has been LONG and BUMPY and I've learned a lot! When you are faced with chronic illness, you find out that traditional medicine has its place, but can only take you so far. You learn that you must look outside the box if you want to reclaim your health. Then you get all excited when you discover there is a whole world of alternative medicine, only to realize that it is a jungle in and of itself. The light really turns on when you see that in order to navigate through this whole crazy thing, you have to work hard, pray hard, and listen to the inner voice that can guide you through it all.

So maybe "all the king's horses and all the king's men" couldn't put Humpty together again but I do believe that "all the kings horses and all the king's men" can combine their efforts with Humpty Dumpty and the king himself to work through it all, piece by piece.

So here it is...my musings on the ups and downs of healing chronic illness.