This kind, lovely new neighbor of mine came over to see if she could do anything to help me. The minute she sat down, I knew she was compassionate and genuine. She listened intently as I stumbled over my words as I tried to explain all this...
But how do you help someone really understand that you've been through hell and back several times? How do you make sense of the roller coaster ride that it is? How can you possibly express the pain on the inside that is so completely unapparent on the outside? How do you help them see that just because you may feel better one day, does not mean that you have made it through this difficult journey and have now reached the other side? How can you help them realize that this illness is the hardest thing you could have ever imagined, yet wouldn't change it for all the life lessons you have learned and the new person you have become?
It just can't be done in one conversation. I always end up feeling so unfulfilled. All my experiences just end up sounding so trivial. I really would like to just sit people down and have them watch a little movie of my life, with all the music and special effects to give it the impact it deserves. But no one can or should take on that kind of a burden. In the end, I find it's best to say as little as possible, while still helping the them to understand in a way that will satisfy their desire to know. It's difficult, and I have to learn to let it go.
The only time I feel truly fulfilled in conversation is through prayer. That's it. Through prayer, I know that I am completely understood. Through prayer, I can feel comfort knowing that my deepest, darkest places have been seen and that my life movie has been watched. Through prayer, I know I can receive total and complete validation. Through prayer, I know I can receive the guidance and help that I so desperately need to make it through this.
Back to my neighbor though...
People like her teach me. They teach me that you don't have to completely understand someone's journey before you can offer love and compassion to them. They teach me that although we are limited in our ability to take away the suffering of others, we can offer a listening ear and a kind word now and then. They teach me how important it is to be genuine and caring toward others as we ride through this bumpy journey called "life".
I want to be just like her.
