My Letter to God on Behalf of Religion

Dear God,

I don't know if you've noticed, but it's pretty messy down here. Every person that walks this planet seems to have a different idea about who you are and how we are to get to heaven.

Some of those differences are minor. Some, not so much.

Me, I pretty much had it all figured out by the time I was eight. I had my checklist in hand and was pleased with the fact that my life was mapped out to the finest of details.

But then, life happened.

And I began to see that there were inconsistencies and disagreements even among the leaders of my own church.

So I set out to find the Truth.

For years, I read.

I pondered.

I prayed and read some more.

And what I found out was that it's not so easy. It's not quite so black and white. It's not as clear as I was led to believe.

And so I'm left to wonder.

What am I to do?

Do I continue down this rabbit hole of mental chaos and torture?

Do I spend the limited years I have here in a nonstop cycle of debate and interpretation?

Do I continue to wrestle with questions that cannot possibly be answered?

I hope you will forgive me, but I can no longer keep up this pace.

Every hour that I spend in this never-ending spiral, could be spent caring for the sick, helping the poor, standing with the oppressed, loving my neighbor, and cultivating joy, peace, hope, and beauty the best way I know how.

So this is my choice.

I choose to surrender.

And give up the fight.

To know what is Right.

I'll let it all go and choose to believe

That I don't have to Know

In order to Love.

With love,

from Julia

Update More than Five Years Later

Wow! So, it's more than five years later and I've decided to do an update on my health and faith journey. We're right in the middle of this Covid-19 global pandemic stuff, so I'm finding myself in the mood to reflect and write a little.

It has been quite the journey!

As far as my health goes, I have made great progress. I would say that, overall, my energy and ability to function in life is about 80-90%, which is so amazing to me considering the fact that I spent more than a decade mostly confined to my bed. I am so, so thankful for this. I am also fully aware that life is a mixed-bag, so I hold this reality very gently. I try not to cling too tightly to any one state of being anymore. It just feels like less pressure this way.

My years of relentlessly searching, seeking, trying, and failing were not in vain and I believe that it has been a combination of several tools that have helped me improve over the years. I still believe that every person's healing journey is unique and that we each have to find the tools that work best for us individually. I have recently watched a few of my close family members work through chronic illness and can honestly say that we are all different, even if we seem to have some of the same problems going on.

I still have to be very careful with environmental triggers. Certain foods, chemicals, and other exposures can almost instantly put my body back into a state of severe pain and inflammation, so I've just learned to pay attention. I also have to take stress very seriously. This often confuses people and I still have to say no a lot, but I have learned to be ok with it. Only I know the details of what is going on with my body, so I have reserved the right to decide what is best for me. This has been incredibly difficult on some of my relationships (and I know I've made mistakes along the way) but I just try to give myself and others grace as we try to navigate through it. Some of my relationships have changed forever. It's just the reality of living with a health situation that other people can't fully understand.

Now, onto my faith journey.

This one is tricky, and honestly, I just want to summarize this in as few sentences as possible. I was born and raised in the Mormon church and fully recognize the amazing and good things that came from this community and faith tradition. It has only been the last few years that I have discovered and realized things within church history and theology that I am no longer comfortable with. I don't want to get into too much detail, but I will just say that I am no longer an active member.

This does not mean that I don't value my beautiful experiences within the church. I do. Immensely. I have just come to believe that God and love are so much bigger and vast than any of us can even imagine. For my own personal health and wellbeing, I have chosen to simplify my approach to all things spiritual. I don't claim to have all the answers anymore. I don't claim to have it all figured out anymore. I try to base my life on the principles of hope, love, kindness, gratitude, peace, wisdom, beauty, and compassion and just allow myself the grace to not have it all figured out. I try to allow other people to believe the things they believe without thinking I know it all or know what's best for them. It's just all so tricky and I just want to step back and cultivate love and beauty in the world the best way I know how.

So, onward and upward.

In love and compassion.

Hope and healing.

What a wild ride.

With love,

from Julia

A Journal and a Prayer

The world we live in today is so messy. It's amazing to me how many "answers" seem to be flying through the air like seagulls at the city dump.  The internet is bursting at the seams with it and we just can't buy into all the noise.

As we work to create meaningful, hopeful, healthy lives, we must somehow silence all the voices to find that place where our personal answers lie. The answers for me come as I write in my journal to get it all out and then pray with a sincere heart to know what to do. I then go back to my journal to evaluate. I continue this process and pattern over and over. As I do this, I find that I am usually directed to know which books to study, which protocol to follow, and which voice to listen to. I know I've talked about prayerful journaling before, but it's because it has helped me so much and continues to be my main pattern for guidance.

Hands down, the best place for me to sort through answers to my problems is through prayerful journaling!!

Limbic System Retraining

So I've stumbled upon something that I think might be very beneficial in my recovery process. I'm no scientist, so I won't even begin to try to explain it in detail, but apparently it's like brain exercises to help heal and retrain the limbic system that has gone a little haywire in some chronic illness states. I think this is an issue for me, so I plan on adding this to my routine each day.

I'm pretty sure this isn't the whole picture (like nothing ever seems to be) but I'm hopeful that it will be a positive part of the healing puzzle fore me!

Wait for the Dawn

There are times when the experiences in chronic illness can be so dark and difficult that it seems nearly impossible to believe that the sun will actually shine again. During those times, I tend to pray more deeply and more sincerely for God to show his hand of mercy in my life. These are the rough days and it's not always lifted right away. Sometimes we must wait. Sometimes we must endure. Sometimes we must submit. But somehow, it seems that the sun does return. A portion of the pain is lifted. Hope is renewed. Direction is given. Understanding is gained. Love is offered. Peace is felt.

"Wait for the Dawn" is a song that I wrote during a time that I was waiting for the sun to shine again on my journey.

Wait for the Dawn

Darkness falls
I close my eyes
Take a breath
And try one more time
To find the hope that's real
To find relief I long to feel

As I wait for the dawn
Wait for the sun to shine on me
Wait for dawn
Wait for the light to bring me peace
As I wait for the dawn

All alone
I say a simple prayer
Hoping you are really always there
To send the hope that's real
To send relief I long to feel

As I wait for the dawn
Wait for the sun to shine on me
Wait for dawn
Wait for the light to bring me peace
As I wait for the dawn

I'll hope to hope
And I'll to move on
I'll hope to hope
As I wait for the dawn

The Healing Path

I believe that chronic illness offers us the quiet invitation to step onto a profound healing path for our lives. This healing path may include physical healing, but also includes emotional and spiritual healing as well. When faced with the challenges that illness brings, we are left to either descend into a dark abyss or to choose to see, to learn, to grow, and to heal our lives where needed. This is often easier said than done. Sometimes the pain, discomfort, and fear are just so great that it's almost unbearable. Sometimes I just have to take a rest, have a good cry and allow myself to feel the frustration, pain, discouragement and disappointment. But when I am willing and ready, the time comes for me to recognize and accept the "learning moments" that are softly waiting for me along the path.

 Naturally, we as humans do not like to feel uncomfortable. When we experience pain or hardship, we strive to do all that we can to simply get rid of the discomfort so that we can move on to all the wonderful plans we have for our lives. I don't think that's inherently bad. In fact I think it's good to work toward feeling better physically. But I also think it needs to be kept in balance. In order to find that balance, we need to stop expecting our healing path to be one that is short, simple, and effortless. We need to accept that sometimes this path takes us to places we would rather not go. Places such as, learning to let go of control, accepting our limitations at certain points along the journey, letting go of anger or fear, learning to simplify, or learning to tune out all the unnecessary voices and discern what is best for our lives personally. These are the hard lessons to learn, but the lessons that are often the most important along the way.

 So as we think of the word "healing", let us not automatically think of a body that is free of suffering and pain. Let us remember that the healing journey is much more than that. Let us remember that this path includes the healing of our hearts, our minds, our relationships, and our souls.

I've Arrived!!

After more than a decade of working through the healing process, I finally found a pill that has done the trick. I'm all better!

NO. NOT. REALLY.

I'm writing this today because of the frustration that I feel when I see people say that they found the one product that has cured them from all of their woes and they are now free to live a life of ease that you could experience too if you just took this product. Really?

Here are a few things that I believe to be true about the healing process:

1. There is no one-size-fits-all approach to this. There just is not. We are all different. We all have different bodies, minds, and spirits. We cannot say that our way is the right way for everyone.

2. There is no magic pill. I believe in keeping a nice, individualized "toolbox for wellness" that is filled with personal strategies and processes, rather than searching high and low to find that one magic pill that will do the trick all at once. This toolbox seems to evolve over time and doesn't look exactly like anyone else's toolbox. You've discovered products and processes that work for you and I've discovered products and processes that work for me. (I've also discovered many that don't work for me, but that's a post for another day)

While I don't believe in a "magic pill", I do believe that there are times when we discover a tool for our personal "toolbox" that seems to be an important piece that can really make a big difference in our wellness. I have certainly found of few of those and am grateful for them. There are a lot of wellness possibilities and approaches out there and it is up to us to study, pray, and work to discover what works best for us personally.

3. Wellness is a journey, not a destination. I can honestly say that I have improved dramatically over the past several years, but I can also honestly say that I really haven't "arrived" at total wellness. I believe in the principle of "improving" rather than "arriving". We're all working through the process of how to manage these imperfect bodies and I believe it takes time, effort, evaluation, honesty and working through layers in various areas of the mind, body, and spirit.

So, the next time I see someone claim that they have the "magic pill" for wellness, I'm just going to try to smile and simply remind myself of these things that I believe to be true instead.

Information: When Too Much is Just Too Much

Although I am a deeply spiritual person, I've also taken a "study it out" approach as I've worked to get better. I've tried to balance the concept of mind-body-and-spirit on my journey and the process of studying things out has been very helpful in many ways. I really believe that I wouldn't be functioning as I am today, if I hadn't studied things out. (I've actually pulled out of my last "sick phase" and am feeling better at the moment.)

Anyway, there have been things I have learned that have been important pieces on this journey, but there also comes a time when there is total information overload and it's all

JUST

TOO

MUCH!

There's only so much we can control. There's only so much we can take in. There's only so much we can do at any given moment. There's only so much we can process. There's layers upon layers of information. There's disagreements within the circle of even the smartest biochemists and doctors out there. AHHHHH! Humans are not robots and we have limitations that we have to be ok with.

We have feelings. We have families. We deal with social complexities. We have financial limitations. We have various physical limitations. We have layers of healing to work through. We have "life".

The reason this is on my mind today, is because I've been reading a lot about impaired liver detoxification and the methylation pathway. Basically, this is when the liver isn't able to do its detoxification job properly for one reason or another.  Actually, I think there are probably many reasons why this happens and the reasons are just as frustrating as the solutions. The basic idea is simple, but when you dig deeper, it's utterly frustrating and confusing. If you have this, this, or this problem, you could take this, this, or this supplement, but you might have this, this, or this reaction, and it could be because of this, this, or this.......blah, blah, blah.

Don't get me wrong. I think it's helpful to know things. Knowledge can be power-but knowledge can also set the groundwork for fear, frustration, anxiety, hopelessness, and confusion. Those are things I am seeking to eliminate in my life!

So what's the answer?

I'm not exactly sure, except I do know that I always feel best when I quiet all the voices and wait for a sense of peace to return before I move forward. I seem to have to go through this process a lot when I have been studying. In the end, it seems that there's usually only a small piece of information for me to extract at any given moment (even if I have taken in huge amounts). People have plenty of opinions. People have plenty of answers. People have plenty of protocols, but I have found that no one has all my answers. No one.

I also know that it's important to remind myself that this process is not a race. I do not have to be 100% well by tomorrow. It's ok. It's ok to take small, baby steps toward healing while striving to maintain a sense of peace, gratitude, and calm as I journey. I continue to remind myself that there are three parts to the mind-body-spirit aspects of healing and as I choose to nurture the spirit, I am able to feel this greater sense of calm.

Write it Down, then Let it Go

Twenty days after my last post and I'm still sick. It can be so discouraging! Sometimes I get so mixed up about wether or not my body is actually healing. Despair, depression, and fear settle in and I find myself feeling that this will never end. I keep thinking about all the other people that have actually found success on their healing journeys, and I find hope again for a moment, but then it's back to fear again. Why does it have to be this way? Why is it so difficult to maintain a sense of hope and optimism? All I can do is try as best I can and hope that God will make up the difference for me. I know that hope is so important, but it's so easy to lose sight of it.

One thing that I have decided to get back to is writing down my healing plan. This usually helps me because when I'm feeling sick, crummy, and full of crazy symptoms, I can look at that plan and put my belief somewhere positive. The only difficult part is making sure that I do indeed believe in my healing plan. I find that it's best if I can find the quiet, meditative, prayerful side of myself while I take the time to write my plan. If I do this once a week, then I don't have to feel like I need to frantically change the plan up every day. I try to trust that as I prayerfully evaluate my plan each week, then I don't need to carry the weight with me on a consistent basis. The idea is that I can let it go and be at peace with the process.

The other thing I'm going to do is write down my thoughts, frustrations, and symptoms in a journal. I think it's really important to be honest with myself about how I feel during this time. Sometimes I put on this "warrior" hat and even feel like I have to pretend that I'm not sick. But I don't like to feel like a pretender, especially when I feel awful! I don't like to feel like I'm ignoring the difficult symptoms that I'm experiencing. On the other hand, I know that it's not good to wallow in my misery and complain to everyone around me. So I think the best solution is to write it all down, pray for validation, and then get up and let it go and move to a place of FAITH, HOPE, and OPTIMISM! At that point, I try to rise above the symptoms and move through my day in peace and trust, rather than self pity. This all sounds lovely and is what I strive for, but is honestly very hard for me to do at times. Peace out.

Sick Again

So, we got back from California last week. The Jason Mraz concert was awesome!! It was an acoustic evening in a small venue and we got to get his autograph afterwards. I know a 38 year-old shouldn't get so excited about something like that, but it was so fun to get to meet my favorite songwriter!!! The band "Raining Jane" was there with him too and they were great. We got to meet them and talk afterwards. They seem like such great people.

When we got back home, I knew it was time to start the anti-fungal protocol. Somehow my body must have known it as well because I've been so sick even though I haven't even taken any anti-fungals. It's like my body knows I have given it permission to let it go now. Ugh. Sigh. I had an NMT (energetic healing) treatment several weeks ago that was for the fungal issue, so I'm thinking that has something to do with it as well. Lyme might be working it's way out the door too.

Anyway, here goes...I'm going to write what's happening as honestly as I can. It doesn't seem worth writing this all down if I'm not honest.

Symptoms that seem to be related to the release of toxins:

Sweating episodes
Depression and discouragement!!
Hormone craziness
Gallbladder inflammation and pain (burping, burping, pain, pain) I had the gallbladder checked a while back and there were no gallstones, so I'm chalking it up to the cleansing process.
Pancreatic inflammation and pain
Nausea
Inability to tolerate any foods (I'm making a smooth oat paste right now, that I'm trying to eat every few hours to keep some calories in me) My face is looking quite gaunt right now. In fact I scare myself when I look in the mirror. Need food. Heaven, please help me on this one.

I know all the stuff they say to fix all this...do this, do that, do this, do that, take this, take that, take this, take that.....but right now, my body flares up whenever I do anything, so I'm just trying to drink lots of water and rest as much as I can.

I went to my doctor yesterday and he doesn't seem to be worried by any of it, so I'm just going to try not to panic.

It's interesting, because when I look at that list, I realize that a lot of the old symptoms I used to get aren't as pronounced as they used to be, like the "spinning into oblivion" and "feeling like I can't breath". So even though this round is hard, I'm glad it's not as bad as it had been in the past. I think my hormones are better than they used to be, even though they aren't all the way balanced yet.

Anyway, that's where I'm at today. Hoping to be able to tolerate some more food soon.

Letting Go of Fear

As I sit down to add a new post to this blog, I can't believe that it has been more than 2 1/2 years since I last wrote. It's strange. It's been on my mind, but I just haven't gotten to it. I've been forging ahead in various ways, working to maintain a life of healing, peace, joy, sharing, learning, growing, balance, and serenity.

But today, I feel the nudge to come back to it. I've been afraid to come back to it, really. I'm afraid that if I write about my healing journey, that somehow it will keep me in a stuck, sick place. I'm afraid that if I share my healing process, other people will get the wrong idea for some reason or another.  But I have to be ok with that.  People probably will get the wrong idea. That's life.

So I'm letting go of fear and I'm going to share my next chapter.

I should probably take a minute to sum up my last few years and to explain where I am at now. During these past few years I have truly learned to let go of the sugar and the other foods that trigger such horrible flareups in my life. I can honestly say that I have only eaten these foods a handful of times and EVERY time I have done so, I have gone right back to a flareup.  So I've learned that it just isn't worth it. Because I have been able to let go of these triggers, my health has improved quite a bit. So much so, that I have been able to live a somewhat normal life. But that's kind of where a problem has arisen for me. Because I have reached an acceptable level of health, it has kept me from moving on to the next level.

I can still only eat about five different foods. I still have some chemical sensitivity, although it has improved quite a bit. I still have infection and I am still afraid of killing off infection. It still makes me sick every time I go for it. I still react poorly to supplements. I know I'm not getting in all of the nutrients that my body needs to live the full and rich life I want. My hormones still need balancing.

I have dreams. I have big dreams. I have dreams that require a strong, healthy body. I have work to do.

So here I go. I'm going to get to work...right after our family trip to California to see a Jason Mraz acoustic concert (4th row)!!!!  :)

Hello Again

So it's been a really long time since I last posted. I am happy to report that I have been pre-occupied with living my life. This doesn't mean that I don't have difficult times, but I am seeing progress on this healing process and am so thankful. I am certainly still working through all of the areas (hormone balance, diet, detox, etc), but wanted to mention that I am feeling hopeful.

I Love My Chiropractor

I have had quite a few chiropractors along this journey and I have really loved all of them for one reason or another. Each one taught me something valuable and new and I have just loved learning from them.

Chiropractors can really get a bad rap from the traditional medical community and I think it's just not fair at all. They really do have ALOT of pieces to the puzzle and I think it is so wise to get to know more than one of them, especially since they each seem to sort of specialize in something a little different. Some chiropractors specialize in nutrition and supplements, others specialize in structural issues, and still others seem to specialize more in energy healing. I think it's all important and worthwhile.

My current doc is so wonderful, gentle, kind, gifted, amazingly smart, and of course helpful. Yesterday he hurt me a bit as he moved around my organs, but boy am I glad he did! Things seem to be working better.

My wish for the world, is that we could each have a couple of chiropractors, a holistic MD, and a traditional MD, all for very little money.

I wish I could help more people afford help. Ugh.

Sugar is Not So Sweet to Me

I haven't written a post in a while because I've actually been feeling pretty darn ok! Notice I was careful not to say I'm feeling great, because I'm far from that, but I've actually been getting out and doing fun things with my family and it has been wonderful!!!

I was doing well, and thought I'd have some fun and eat brownies and candy at Halloween. Ugh. Bad idea! After that mistake, I got to suffer a huge flare up of all my symptoms. It is yet another reminder for me that sugar is definitely not sweet to me right now. When I say I had a flare up, it's not just a sugar headache. It is literally a flare up of a hundred symptoms.

I really think that anyone trying to heal chronic illness should carefully consider staying away from sugar as much as possible. It's amazing to me how many of my symptoms flare up with it and if I didn't normally stay away from it, I might not even know that's what was making me flare up. Anyway, I always say everyone is different, but it's definitely a huge factor for probably a lot of people.

I love the book "Healing Multiple Sclerosis", by Ann Boroch. It has really helped me to understand the importance of staying away from the junk as much as I can. :)

Mistakes Can Teach Us

The journey through health is a massive learning experience, filled with ups and downs, triumphs and mistakes.

When you want to emerge out of chronic illness, you are constantly loaded and bombarded with opinions on what to do and how to get better. When faced with these massive amounts of choices to make, it's enough to make you crazy!

AHHH.

I finally realized that the whole process is imperfect and that it takes time to implement the best plans for healing. The plan changes and evolves over time and I've learned to be still and quiet and do my best to listen and pray for direction and then move to make a choice. The frustrating thing is that even though I do that, I still make mistakes all the time. The best I can do, is go back to my place of stillness and prayer and try to take the lessons learned from the mistake and try again.

We can not be too hard on ourselves. When we realize how many times we had to fall before learning to walk, maybe then we can understand that falling down is a big part of many of our life experiences.

I just wish falling didn't hurt so much!

Individuality in Health and Healing

We as humans are so much the same in many ways, yet so different as well. The road through health and healing is an individual process and should be treated that way.

I have a very good friend that has dealt with many of the same chronic health issues as me, yet there have been times that we have had to move through this journey in vastly different ways. It doesn't mean that I am right and she is wrong, or that she is right and I am wrong. It just means that we are different.

I'm not saying that principles of healing are not universal , but it's important for us not to judge each other for the process that we go through individually. We can never fully understand all the pieces to someone else's puzzle, so we just have to love. We can not know the lessons they are learning and the direction their personal journey is helping them to experience. We just can't know.

We each need our own navigation system to guide us through this jungle of life.

Healing Vs. Band Aiding

We all need a band aid from time to time. There is no denying it. In fact, when I started on my downward health spiral, I realized I was in for a lot of band aiding. And I also realized it was necessary at times. When I say "band aiding", I am referring to the immediate, emergency type care that we sometimes need on this health journey.

The frustrating thing is that it seems like much of the holistic medical community looks down on the band aid approach, but I have to say that it has absolutely been critical for me at times. On the other hand, just because we do need the band aids at times, shouldn't cloud our vision on the miraculous tools that are out there for healing. It's unfortunate that much of the traditional medical community doesn't even think about the process of healing and cleansing through an alternative approach.

I guess that's partly because healing takes time, patience, prayer and a lot of work. The process of healing is not really that easy, but it is worth the effort that goes into it.

So anytime someone tries to tell me that I have to go "all" traditional medicine or "all" alternative medicine, I just remind myself that I have needed to use both and various times in the journey, and I have a feeling most people do to. It's better to be humble, prayerful, and open to the needs that our own bodies have at various times along our journey.

Taking Time Out to Heal

One thing I have learned through healing chronic illness, is that it has been really important for me to do everything I can to take time out to heal. It has meant that we have had to make drastic changes in our life so that I can do that. Taking time out means different things to different people, but I believe that as we pray for guidance to know what to do, we can slowly find what is right for us.

For me, it has meant that I have to put off teaching piano and choir for a season, until I am stronger. This has been very difficult for me. I've been teaching piano since I was 15 years old and have had to postpone something that I really love.

But for now, I feel so much peace when I look at my calendar and know that I can rest, pray, meditate, and heal every single day.

Never Give Up

I got so sick during my last round of infection fighting that I felt totally hopeless and wanted to give up on it all. The sweet thing, is that my husband had brought me a book called, "Never Give Up", by Joyce Meyer. At the time, I was too sick to read, and didn't even notice the title. I put the book away.

A few days later, I was crying to my husband and told him that I wanted to "give up". Moments later, I felt the impression to go read that book. Tears streamed down my face and I knew I was meant to read it. I recommend it to anyone who is dealing with the process of healing chronic illness.

More importantly though, I think it is so cool how we can be personally inspired to read something that is just what we need, when we need it. The process of healing chronic illness (and "life" as well) is all about seeking for that personal guidance to help us make it through and learn the lessons we need to learn along the way.

On a side note...

Being the mormon girl that I am, you wouldn't expect for me to be reading a book by Joyce Meyer. In fact, many people think that mormons are not Christian, which is completely untrue. I think there is some great insight, truth, and hope to be found in many places, and I am thankful that I was lead to that book at a time when I truly needed it.

Hormone BALANCE

I picture myself sitting in a beautiful concert hall, listening to the most amazing piece of music, when all of a sudden, some crazy violin player decides to take over and play grossly out of tune and twice as loud as everyone else. The audience stirs and I cover my ears. Without that balance within the orchestra, the piece of music becomes a complete mess to listen to.

There's a reason they call it hormone BALANCE. I'm really starting to see that it's the balance that's the key, but unfortunately, not so easy to achieve when you are dealing with chronic illness.

I really think we underestimate the absolute power of hormones and hormone balance. On the surface, we tend to think of them as these silly little guys that can cause emotional trouble around our favorite time of the month, but in reality, they are amazing workhorses that perform unbelievable tasks that we should not underestimate. In order for us to feel well, they have to be working together in harmony.

I do realize that the hormone balance gets shifted as I work to remove infection and heal my body, but I'm hoping that I can at least achieve a closer balance right now. The balance may not be able to be perfect yet, but hopefully better over time.

I have a new integrative doc that I'm seeing next week, and I am very hopeful that he will be inspired to see what we need to do. I think it's time to really get serious about bringing these babies closer together to create that beautiful symphony that I'm hoping for.