A Journal and a Prayer

The world we live in today is so messy. It's amazing to me how many "answers" seem to be flying through the air like seagulls at the city dump.  The internet is bursting at the seams with it and we just can't buy into all the noise.

As we work to create meaningful, hopeful, healthy lives, we must somehow silence all the voices to find that place where our personal answers lie. The answers for me come as I write in my journal to get it all out and then pray with a sincere heart to know what to do. I then go back to my journal to evaluate. I continue this process and pattern over and over. As I do this, I find that I am usually directed to know which books to study, which protocol to follow, and which voice to listen to. I know I've talked about prayerful journaling before, but it's because it has helped me so much and continues to be my main pattern for guidance.

Hands down, the best place for me to sort through answers to my problems is through prayerful journaling!!

Limbic System Retraining

So I've stumbled upon something that I think might be very beneficial in my recovery process. I'm no scientist, so I won't even begin to try to explain it in detail, but apparently it's like brain exercises to help heal and retrain the limbic system that has gone a little haywire in some chronic illness states. I think this is an issue for me, so I plan on adding this to my routine each day.

I'm pretty sure this isn't the whole picture (like nothing ever seems to be) but I'm hopeful that it will be a positive part of the healing puzzle fore me!

Wait for the Dawn

There are times when the experiences in chronic illness can be so dark and difficult that it seems nearly impossible to believe that the sun will actually shine again. During those times, I tend to pray more deeply and more sincerely for God to show his hand of mercy in my life. These are the rough days and it's not always lifted right away. Sometimes we must wait. Sometimes we must endure. Sometimes we must submit. But somehow, it seems that the sun does return. A portion of the pain is lifted. Hope is renewed. Direction is given. Understanding is gained. Love is offered. Peace is felt.

"Wait for the Dawn" is a song that I wrote during a time that I was waiting for the sun to shine again on my journey.

Wait for the Dawn

Darkness falls
I close my eyes
Take a breath
And try one more time
To find the hope that's real
To find relief I long to feel

As I wait for the dawn
Wait for the sun to shine on me
Wait for dawn
Wait for the light to bring me peace
As I wait for the dawn

All alone
I say a simple prayer
Hoping you are really always there
To send the hope that's real
To send relief I long to feel

As I wait for the dawn
Wait for the sun to shine on me
Wait for dawn
Wait for the light to bring me peace
As I wait for the dawn

I'll hope to hope
And I'll to move on
I'll hope to hope
As I wait for the dawn

The Healing Path

I believe that chronic illness offers us the quiet invitation to step onto a profound healing path for our lives. This healing path may include physical healing, but also includes emotional and spiritual healing as well. When faced with the challenges that illness brings, we are left to either descend into a dark abyss or to choose to see, to learn, to grow, and to heal our lives where needed. This is often easier said than done. Sometimes the pain, discomfort, and fear are just so great that it's almost unbearable. Sometimes I just have to take a rest, have a good cry and allow myself to feel the frustration, pain, discouragement and disappointment. But when I am willing and ready, the time comes for me to recognize and accept the "learning moments" that are softly waiting for me along the path.

 Naturally, we as humans do not like to feel uncomfortable. When we experience pain or hardship, we strive to do all that we can to simply get rid of the discomfort so that we can move on to all the wonderful plans we have for our lives. I don't think that's inherently bad. In fact I think it's good to work toward feeling better physically. But I also think it needs to be kept in balance. In order to find that balance, we need to stop expecting our healing path to be one that is short, simple, and effortless. We need to accept that sometimes this path takes us to places we would rather not go. Places such as, learning to let go of control, accepting our limitations at certain points along the journey, letting go of anger or fear, learning to simplify, or learning to tune out all the unnecessary voices and discern what is best for our lives personally. These are the hard lessons to learn, but the lessons that are often the most important along the way.

 So as we think of the word "healing", let us not automatically think of a body that is free of suffering and pain. Let us remember that the healing journey is much more than that. Let us remember that this path includes the healing of our hearts, our minds, our relationships, and our souls.

I've Arrived!!

After more than a decade of working through the healing process, I finally found a pill that has done the trick. I'm all better!

NO. NOT. REALLY.

I'm writing this today because of the frustration that I feel when I see people say that they found the one product that has cured them from all of their woes and they are now free to live a life of ease that you could experience too if you just took this product. Really?

Here are a few things that I believe to be true about the healing process:

1. There is no one-size-fits-all approach to this. There just is not. We are all different. We all have different bodies, minds, and spirits. We cannot say that our way is the right way for everyone.

2. There is no magic pill. I believe in keeping a nice, individualized "toolbox for wellness" that is filled with personal strategies and processes, rather than searching high and low to find that one magic pill that will do the trick all at once. This toolbox seems to evolve over time and doesn't look exactly like anyone else's toolbox. You've discovered products and processes that work for you and I've discovered products and processes that work for me. (I've also discovered many that don't work for me, but that's a post for another day)

While I don't believe in a "magic pill", I do believe that there are times when we discover a tool for our personal "toolbox" that seems to be an important piece that can really make a big difference in our wellness. I have certainly found of few of those and am grateful for them. There are a lot of wellness possibilities and approaches out there and it is up to us to study, pray, and work to discover what works best for us personally.

3. Wellness is a journey, not a destination. I can honestly say that I have improved dramatically over the past several years, but I can also honestly say that I really haven't "arrived" at total wellness. I believe in the principle of "improving" rather than "arriving". We're all working through the process of how to manage these imperfect bodies and I believe it takes time, effort, evaluation, honesty and working through layers in various areas of the mind, body, and spirit.

So, the next time I see someone claim that they have the "magic pill" for wellness, I'm just going to try to smile and simply remind myself of these things that I believe to be true instead.

Information: When Too Much is Just Too Much

Although I am a deeply spiritual person, I've also taken a "study it out" approach as I've worked to get better. I've tried to balance the concept of mind-body-and-spirit on my journey and the process of studying things out has been very helpful in many ways. I really believe that I wouldn't be functioning as I am today, if I hadn't studied things out. (I've actually pulled out of my last "sick phase" and am feeling better at the moment.)

Anyway, there have been things I have learned that have been important pieces on this journey, but there also comes a time when there is total information overload and it's all

JUST

TOO

MUCH!

There's only so much we can control. There's only so much we can take in. There's only so much we can do at any given moment. There's only so much we can process. There's layers upon layers of information. There's disagreements within the circle of even the smartest biochemists and doctors out there. AHHHHH! Humans are not robots and we have limitations that we have to be ok with.

We have feelings. We have families. We deal with social complexities. We have financial limitations. We have various physical limitations. We have layers of healing to work through. We have "life".

The reason this is on my mind today, is because I've been reading a lot about impaired liver detoxification and the methylation pathway. Basically, this is when the liver isn't able to do its detoxification job properly for one reason or another.  Actually, I think there are probably many reasons why this happens and the reasons are just as frustrating as the solutions. The basic idea is simple, but when you dig deeper, it's utterly frustrating and confusing. If you have this, this, or this problem, you could take this, this, or this supplement, but you might have this, this, or this reaction, and it could be because of this, this, or this.......blah, blah, blah.

Don't get me wrong. I think it's helpful to know things. Knowledge can be power-but knowledge can also set the groundwork for fear, frustration, anxiety, hopelessness, and confusion. Those are things I am seeking to eliminate in my life!

So what's the answer?

I'm not exactly sure, except I do know that I always feel best when I quiet all the voices and wait for a sense of peace to return before I move forward. I seem to have to go through this process a lot when I have been studying. In the end, it seems that there's usually only a small piece of information for me to extract at any given moment (even if I have taken in huge amounts). People have plenty of opinions. People have plenty of answers. People have plenty of protocols, but I have found that no one has all my answers. No one.

I also know that it's important to remind myself that this process is not a race. I do not have to be 100% well by tomorrow. It's ok. It's ok to take small, baby steps toward healing while striving to maintain a sense of peace, gratitude, and calm as I journey. I continue to remind myself that there are three parts to the mind-body-spirit aspects of healing and as I choose to nurture the spirit, I am able to feel this greater sense of calm.

Write it Down, then Let it Go

Twenty days after my last post and I'm still sick. It can be so discouraging! Sometimes I get so mixed up about wether or not my body is actually healing. Despair, depression, and fear settle in and I find myself feeling that this will never end. I keep thinking about all the other people that have actually found success on their healing journeys, and I find hope again for a moment, but then it's back to fear again. Why does it have to be this way? Why is it so difficult to maintain a sense of hope and optimism? All I can do is try as best I can and hope that God will make up the difference for me. I know that hope is so important, but it's so easy to lose sight of it.

One thing that I have decided to get back to is writing down my healing plan. This usually helps me because when I'm feeling sick, crummy, and full of crazy symptoms, I can look at that plan and put my belief somewhere positive. The only difficult part is making sure that I do indeed believe in my healing plan. I find that it's best if I can find the quiet, meditative, prayerful side of myself while I take the time to write my plan. If I do this once a week, then I don't have to feel like I need to frantically change the plan up every day. I try to trust that as I prayerfully evaluate my plan each week, then I don't need to carry the weight with me on a consistent basis. The idea is that I can let it go and be at peace with the process.

The other thing I'm going to do is write down my thoughts, frustrations, and symptoms in a journal. I think it's really important to be honest with myself about how I feel during this time. Sometimes I put on this "warrior" hat and even feel like I have to pretend that I'm not sick. But I don't like to feel like a pretender, especially when I feel awful! I don't like to feel like I'm ignoring the difficult symptoms that I'm experiencing. On the other hand, I know that it's not good to wallow in my misery and complain to everyone around me. So I think the best solution is to write it all down, pray for validation, and then get up and let it go and move to a place of FAITH, HOPE, and OPTIMISM! At that point, I try to rise above the symptoms and move through my day in peace and trust, rather than self pity. This all sounds lovely and is what I strive for, but is honestly very hard for me to do at times. Peace out.

Sick Again

So, we got back from California last week. The Jason Mraz concert was awesome!! It was an acoustic evening in a small venue and we got to get his autograph afterwards. I know a 38 year-old shouldn't get so excited about something like that, but it was so fun to get to meet my favorite songwriter!!! The band "Raining Jane" was there with him too and they were great. We got to meet them and talk afterwards. They seem like such great people.

When we got back home, I knew it was time to start the anti-fungal protocol. Somehow my body must have known it as well because I've been so sick even though I haven't even taken any anti-fungals. It's like my body knows I have given it permission to let it go now. Ugh. Sigh. I had an NMT (energetic healing) treatment several weeks ago that was for the fungal issue, so I'm thinking that has something to do with it as well. Lyme might be working it's way out the door too.

Anyway, here goes...I'm going to write what's happening as honestly as I can. It doesn't seem worth writing this all down if I'm not honest.

Symptoms that seem to be related to the release of toxins:

Sweating episodes
Depression and discouragement!!
Hormone craziness
Gallbladder inflammation and pain (burping, burping, pain, pain) I had the gallbladder checked a while back and there were no gallstones, so I'm chalking it up to the cleansing process.
Pancreatic inflammation and pain
Nausea
Inability to tolerate any foods (I'm making a smooth oat paste right now, that I'm trying to eat every few hours to keep some calories in me) My face is looking quite gaunt right now. In fact I scare myself when I look in the mirror. Need food. Heaven, please help me on this one.

I know all the stuff they say to fix all this...do this, do that, do this, do that, take this, take that, take this, take that.....but right now, my body flares up whenever I do anything, so I'm just trying to drink lots of water and rest as much as I can.

I went to my doctor yesterday and he doesn't seem to be worried by any of it, so I'm just going to try not to panic.

It's interesting, because when I look at that list, I realize that a lot of the old symptoms I used to get aren't as pronounced as they used to be, like the "spinning into oblivion" and "feeling like I can't breath". So even though this round is hard, I'm glad it's not as bad as it had been in the past. I think my hormones are better than they used to be, even though they aren't all the way balanced yet.

Anyway, that's where I'm at today. Hoping to be able to tolerate some more food soon.

Letting Go of Fear

As I sit down to add a new post to this blog, I can't believe that it has been more than 2 1/2 years since I last wrote. It's strange. It's been on my mind, but I just haven't gotten to it. I've been forging ahead in various ways, working to maintain a life of healing, peace, joy, sharing, learning, growing, balance, and serenity.

But today, I feel the nudge to come back to it. I've been afraid to come back to it, really. I'm afraid that if I write about my healing journey, that somehow it will keep me in a stuck, sick place. I'm afraid that if I share my healing process, other people will get the wrong idea for some reason or another.  But I have to be ok with that.  People probably will get the wrong idea. That's life.

So I'm letting go of fear and I'm going to share my next chapter.

I should probably take a minute to sum up my last few years and to explain where I am at now. During these past few years I have truly learned to let go of the sugar and the other foods that trigger such horrible flareups in my life. I can honestly say that I have only eaten these foods a handful of times and EVERY time I have done so, I have gone right back to a flareup.  So I've learned that it just isn't worth it. Because I have been able to let go of these triggers, my health has improved quite a bit. So much so, that I have been able to live a somewhat normal life. But that's kind of where a problem has arisen for me. Because I have reached an acceptable level of health, it has kept me from moving on to the next level.

I can still only eat about five different foods. I still have some chemical sensitivity, although it has improved quite a bit. I still have infection and I am still afraid of killing off infection. It still makes me sick every time I go for it. I still react poorly to supplements. I know I'm not getting in all of the nutrients that my body needs to live the full and rich life I want. My hormones still need balancing.

I have dreams. I have big dreams. I have dreams that require a strong, healthy body. I have work to do.

So here I go. I'm going to get to work...right after our family trip to California to see a Jason Mraz acoustic concert (4th row)!!!!  :)