Taking Time Out to Heal

One thing I have learned through healing chronic illness, is that it has been really important for me to do everything I can to take time out to heal. It has meant that we have had to make drastic changes in our life so that I can do that. Taking time out means different things to different people, but I believe that as we pray for guidance to know what to do, we can slowly find what is right for us.

For me, it has meant that I have to put off teaching piano and choir for a season, until I am stronger. This has been very difficult for me. I've been teaching piano since I was 15 years old and have had to postpone something that I really love.

But for now, I feel so much peace when I look at my calendar and know that I can rest, pray, meditate, and heal every single day.

Never Give Up

I got so sick during my last round of infection fighting that I felt totally hopeless and wanted to give up on it all. The sweet thing, is that my husband had brought me a book called, "Never Give Up", by Joyce Meyer. At the time, I was too sick to read, and didn't even notice the title. I put the book away.

A few days later, I was crying to my husband and told him that I wanted to "give up". Moments later, I felt the impression to go read that book. Tears streamed down my face and I knew I was meant to read it. I recommend it to anyone who is dealing with the process of healing chronic illness.

More importantly though, I think it is so cool how we can be personally inspired to read something that is just what we need, when we need it. The process of healing chronic illness (and "life" as well) is all about seeking for that personal guidance to help us make it through and learn the lessons we need to learn along the way.

On a side note...

Being the mormon girl that I am, you wouldn't expect for me to be reading a book by Joyce Meyer. In fact, many people think that mormons are not Christian, which is completely untrue. I think there is some great insight, truth, and hope to be found in many places, and I am thankful that I was lead to that book at a time when I truly needed it.

Hormone BALANCE

I picture myself sitting in a beautiful concert hall, listening to the most amazing piece of music, when all of a sudden, some crazy violin player decides to take over and play grossly out of tune and twice as loud as everyone else. The audience stirs and I cover my ears. Without that balance within the orchestra, the piece of music becomes a complete mess to listen to.

There's a reason they call it hormone BALANCE. I'm really starting to see that it's the balance that's the key, but unfortunately, not so easy to achieve when you are dealing with chronic illness.

I really think we underestimate the absolute power of hormones and hormone balance. On the surface, we tend to think of them as these silly little guys that can cause emotional trouble around our favorite time of the month, but in reality, they are amazing workhorses that perform unbelievable tasks that we should not underestimate. In order for us to feel well, they have to be working together in harmony.

I do realize that the hormone balance gets shifted as I work to remove infection and heal my body, but I'm hoping that I can at least achieve a closer balance right now. The balance may not be able to be perfect yet, but hopefully better over time.

I have a new integrative doc that I'm seeing next week, and I am very hopeful that he will be inspired to see what we need to do. I think it's time to really get serious about bringing these babies closer together to create that beautiful symphony that I'm hoping for.

The Chicken or the Egg

I've realized I can drive myself crazy trying to figure out what is the "main" thing wrong with me. I've tried to go about it that way and it never seems to help me out much.

What caused all this craziness in the first place? Was it the lyme? Was it the toxic exposures? Is it the hormone disfunction? Is it the autoimmune? Is it the leaky gut? Is it the liver detox impairment? Is it the teeth issues? Blah, blah, blah, blah blah. For every hundred things that could be wrong, there are a hundred doctors with their opinions on how to fix it all and each doctor is SURE they know what is the "main" problem. Ugh.

I don't think I'll ever know which came first. I am tired of trying to figure that out. I'm at the point right now, where I feel like I have to just try to do my best in each area. And this is where it goes so dang frustrating. It just feels like too much.

All I can do is take one baby step in each area, try not to give up, and pray for grace to make up the difference. There's no other choice.

I believe I can get better. I believe I will get better.

I AM Getting Better

This last round of infection fighting has been so hard. It takes everything in me to believe that I CAN do this. Usually, just as I am about to give up all hope, something comes along to help me believe again. Nothing was really happening like that yesterday and I just sat in my bed, feeling total fear and hopelessness.

It was at that point that I made the decision to get myself out of bed and write the words

I AM Getting Better

on a piece of paper.

Then I curled up and slept for 12 hours straight. Today has been better and I do feel more hope.

Getting Worse Before Getting Better

Clearing out the infections makes me sick. I've tried to find ways to avoid it, but it doesn't seem to be possible with my knowledge and experience at this point. I wish there was another way.

The concept of getting worse before getting better follows along the lines of the "herxheimer" reaction. When I work to get rid of the infections, my body feels crummy. And when I say crummy, I mean CRUMMY. They say there are ways to minimize the severity and I try all those tricks but in the end I still feel like I just want to crawl out of my skin and escape the experience altogether.

I've been trying to get better at learning to go slow enough so that I don't fall too hard, but it's a delicate balance and it's just not easy. Really. I get frustrated with all the "simple" information on it because other people make it just seem like it's no big deal. You just do "this" or do "that" and you won't feel sick. I do know that the organs have to be supported and the toxins have to be bound and then assisted out the body but it has never been a walk in the park for me. It just has NOT.

My doctor did a treatment this week that was supposed to be MILD...but sure enough...a couple of hours later I'm going through the sweating, shaking, twitching, nausea, chills, dizziness, total body pain, etc. etc. Oh man, I just want to cry even typing it. It is really hard. Really, really hard.

I do take measures to support my body during this time and maybe someday I'll be more skilled at gently assisting the garbage out while supporting the organs and systems, but I think it's a learning process and everybody is different. I have to listen to my body and my intuition to do the best I can. I have to remember that I am not perfect.

I feel like the conductor of a huge orchestra and I'm still just trying to get the darn musicians to practice so we can put it all together to create a beautiful piece of music.

"Principles" not "Products"

Ok, so this is something I feel pretty passionate about. I've learned to be careful not to say I'm right about anything because it seems like I get proven wrong more often than I'd like, but on this topic, I'm pretty confident.

I have found it necessary to focus on the "principles" for healing rather than any particular "perfect", "cure-all", or "miracle" product or process. That doesn't mean there aren't certain products or processes that are great for me and my healing journey. I have found my fair share. But I have been knocked down too many times to believe that there is one thing that will do the job in one fell swoop, once and for all. It just doesn't work like that. One thing may work for someone but not work for another. What worked for me at one point, may not work for me forever. It's just that simple.

I have found that the "principles" for healing stay pretty consistent but it's the way to go about it that mixes and changes and varies with individual people and timing.

So if your friend has found something that has been great for them, that's great, but realize that it just might not be the right thing for you at all. We all have the responsibility to study, pray and seek for personal guidance on our own journeys. It's no easy task, but important to consistently remember.

So, I've ended my quest for the perfect product or process now and simply seek out for those things that will best suit my healing journey at the moment.

Accepting Limitations

So I have learned the frustrating truth through this process that there going to be setbacks and there are going to be limitations that I simply must accept. This is an ongoing part of the journey.

I just recently went to a great biological dentist in my area and found that I have 5 infections in my mouth. FIVE! My pour mouth. With this stinky digestion I have been dealing with, it's no wonder my teeth are a mess. I'm slowly working on the digestion, but I am realizing that the teeth work is going to cost money....BIG TIME MONEY. Dental work is not cheap and insurance companies only seem to want to pay pennies to help out. I have had root canals in the past (which my body doesn't seem to be happy with) and now I get to deal with the consequences of infection.

So now I must practice that lovely "P" word until I have the money to get these teeth worked on, which will hopefully be soon. I'd like to rid my body of this burden as soon as I can.