Chutes and Ladders

Yesterday I played a game of Chutes and Ladders with two of my kids. I have never liked that game. I didn't like it as kid and I don't like it now. I have always felt so frustrated with this idea of moving forward, just to be let down on your next turn. To make matters worse, I was so disgruntled and distracted that I kept going the wrong way. I really just wanted to quit the game altogether. Ugh!

I decided to keep going so that I didn't have two very disappointed kids on my hands, and just as we were finishing up, my husband mentioned how much this game is like the process of healing chronic illness. Just when you think you are making progress, you get pushed back. Just when you think you have reached a high point, you fall down again. At that point you can either choose to quit the game or pick yourself up and spin again.

Another lesson to learn from this game is that it really doesn't help us out to compare ourselves with other people. We are each moving along the game board in our own ways. We are individually experiencing ups and downs and working out our own movements. (Just because I can't eat cheesecake right now, doesn't mean that I should be mad at my husband for enjoying a slice now and then.)

Of course, that doesn't mean that we shouldn't be here for each other to offer help and love, but it does mean that we should not be competing and comparing as we each play our own game. The great thing, is that if you look at it that way, discouragement can give way to hope, frustration can give way to patience and perserverance, and competition can give way to personal guidance.

So here's a poem I wrote that I think I'll set to music (and send to our piano publisher)

Yesterday, I played a game with ladders and some slides.

We moved our pieces 'round the board

And laughed at all the rides

But then it started going bad as smile turned to frown

Cause just when I had neared the top,

I had to slide way down

The competition soon became just selfish for us all

The worst of it, was how we hoped

To watch each other fall

Eventually I lost, then vowed to never play again

It really stinks to play a game,

You feel you'll never win

But then I had a thought that'd bring me guaranteed success...

I'll just play "with" and not "against"

And set to do MY best.

Looking Back

I'm feeling some gratitude today as I look back and see how far I've actually come. When you are in the middle of all this and you still feel crummy at times, it's hard to remember the successes. So today, I'm going to be thankful for all that I've learned and overcome.

The Whole Picture

So in dealing with chronic illness, I've come to realize that many of my body systems have run amuck. As I strive to move forward, it's difficult to keep my mind on the whole picture. I have found that something grabs my attention for a while but then I find that I have to step back again to look at everything. It's really kind of hard.

For example, it seems to be an ongoing game for me to try to balance the hormones, and I don't know if they will ever be totally balanced until I can get these darn infections out, but nonetheless, sometimes they are so off that I absolutely have to address them. When my thyroid or adrenals are haywire, there's no way my body can deal with detox or killing infections. It seems that I focus my attention on balancing those hormones for a time, but then I have to come back to addressing everything else again. It's really frustrating to know exactly what to do and when to do it, but I guess I'm learning as I go.

To help me with this process, I have found it really helpful for me to keep a record of my health issues and plan, to keep me focused on this big picture! Keeping records also gives me hope that I CAN get better even if it takes a lot longer than I would like.

Carrot, Anyone?

I recently moved across the country (a HUGE undertaking for a girl dealing with all this stuff) and I was going through my old journals today. I'm not sure if it was good for me. In fact, I read through an entry from about 5 years ago, when I was just fresh on this chronic illness journey. I had so much hope for a quick recovery back then. Ugh!

Sometimes it feels like hope is just a carrot dangling in front of my nose. But it has to be more than that. I have to believe that I CAN straighten all this out....thyroid, adrenals, total hormone havoc, leaky gut, fungal infection, lyme, chronic fatigue, fibromyalgia, MCS. Is it possible???????AAAAHHHHHHHH. All I can do is pray and hope and work hard, I guess.

Right now I am trying to get the vitamins in to prepare for a leaky gut protocol. I have such a hard time putting ANYTHING in my body so I have to go super, super slow. I have been able to get in the B12 and today I tried magnesium. We'll see how that goes.

Finding Gratitude

So I'm over my pity party and I have decided to move past it for today...I'm not saying I won't be there again, of course, since this whole process is like riding waves. It seems to help me to let out my frustrations, then do my best to move to that place of gratitude.

Chronic Illness has a way of teaching you amazing life lessons in a very deep and personal way. Because I don't run around shopping everyday like I used to, I find these really sweet and simple moments when I can just read about, meditate on, and listen to the lessons I need to learn. And gratitude seems to be a recurring theme.

Brown Rice and Health Coaching

It's so funny. My diet right now is pretty much brown rice....that's all I can tolerate! In fact, my chiropractor was even surprised when he tested me and found that I can't tolerate most foods, including vegetables. Of course, I know that fresh fruits and veggies, whole grains, and lean protein sources would be so good for me, but I'm stuck. Stuck with brown rice.

I found this little wellness coach on line today. I was all excited, because I'd like to enjoy a little upbeat coaching now and then, until I realized that she recommends not eating rice and salt. The salt has saved me with my poor adrenals and if I cut out the rice, then that would leave me with nothing to eat. Period.

Can we really coach each other??? I don't know. Maybe the best health coaching we can give each other is this:

1. Believe you CAN get better.

2. Pray for guidance and inspiration to know what to do.

3. Study and learn about what is out there.

4. Develop an organized plan and then do your best to stick with the plan. Pray for guidance to change things up when needed.

5. Be as patient as possible (at least try to fit patience in there between sobs) and never give up!

I'm not saying that we can't really help each other and I think it's great that people are trying to help others overcome chronic illness...it's just kind of complicated and never quite as simple as we wish it would be.

Hopefully one day I'll be able to eat food again, but until then, I'll have to keep my rice and salt on the menu. :)

Discouraged

Today I just feel so hopeless. The years of working through this are making me feel so overwhelmed and frustrated. I feel like I can't eat ANY food, go ANYwhere or do ANYthing without getting sick or having some icky, stinky flare up. It feels like my body is a burning fire of immune dysfunction and havoc and I try and try and try everything. I don't think there is a thing on planet earth that I have not tried and studied about. I work and work and pray and pray and try and try. Every time I try to take a step to improve, I just get sick. My body reacts to every single dang thing I put in there. It is so confused and mad at me. I am so sick of being sick. I am so sick of being sick. I am so sick of being sick. I don't want to complain, but my heart aches almost as much as my body. Please, bring me success. Please bring me success.

Please bring me success.

I feel like I know all the garbage that's in there and I know all the jumbly mess that needs organizing, and I even know all the great techniques for getting it all fixed but for some reason, my body has to make every single dang move I make so hard. Why can't I just take a nice little anti-fungal and "poof" the fungal infection is gone. Or why can't I just take a little thyroid medicine and "poof", the whole endocrine system works like a beautiful symphony? Why can't I take some simple little aloe vera juice and have it so warmly and lovingly coat my wrecked gut?

I'm sure that self pity is not where I want to stay, but this is where I am today, and I want to be honest. I pray that tomorrow I can wake up to some success and hope.