My Letter to God on Behalf of Religion

Dear God,

I don't know if you've noticed, but it's pretty messy down here. Every person that walks this planet seems to have a different idea about who you are and how we are to get to heaven.

Some of those differences are minor. Some, not so much.

Me, I pretty much had it all figured out by the time I was eight. I had my checklist in hand and was pleased with the fact that my life was mapped out to the finest of details.

But then, life happened.

And I began to see that there were inconsistencies and disagreements even among the leaders of my own church.

So I set out to find the Truth.

For years, I read.

I pondered.

I prayed and read some more.

And what I found out was that it's not so easy. It's not quite so black and white. It's not as clear as I was led to believe.

And so I'm left to wonder.

What am I to do?

Do I continue down this rabbit hole of mental chaos and torture?

Do I spend the limited years I have here in a nonstop cycle of debate and interpretation?

Do I continue to wrestle with questions that cannot possibly be answered?

I hope you will forgive me, but I can no longer keep up this pace.

Every hour that I spend in this never-ending spiral, could be spent caring for the sick, helping the poor, standing with the oppressed, loving my neighbor, and cultivating joy, peace, hope, and beauty the best way I know how.

So this is my choice.

I choose to surrender.

And give up the fight.

To know what is Right.

I'll let it all go and choose to believe

That I don't have to Know

In order to Love.

With love,

from Julia

Update More than Five Years Later

Wow! So, it's more than five years later and I've decided to do an update on my health and faith journey. We're right in the middle of this Covid-19 global pandemic stuff, so I'm finding myself in the mood to reflect and write a little.

It has been quite the journey!

As far as my health goes, I have made great progress. I would say that, overall, my energy and ability to function in life is about 80-90%, which is so amazing to me considering the fact that I spent more than a decade mostly confined to my bed. I am so, so thankful for this. I am also fully aware that life is a mixed-bag, so I hold this reality very gently. I try not to cling too tightly to any one state of being anymore. It just feels like less pressure this way.

My years of relentlessly searching, seeking, trying, and failing were not in vain and I believe that it has been a combination of several tools that have helped me improve over the years. I still believe that every person's healing journey is unique and that we each have to find the tools that work best for us individually. I have recently watched a few of my close family members work through chronic illness and can honestly say that we are all different, even if we seem to have some of the same problems going on.

I still have to be very careful with environmental triggers. Certain foods, chemicals, and other exposures can almost instantly put my body back into a state of severe pain and inflammation, so I've just learned to pay attention. I also have to take stress very seriously. This often confuses people and I still have to say no a lot, but I have learned to be ok with it. Only I know the details of what is going on with my body, so I have reserved the right to decide what is best for me. This has been incredibly difficult on some of my relationships (and I know I've made mistakes along the way) but I just try to give myself and others grace as we try to navigate through it. Some of my relationships have changed forever. It's just the reality of living with a health situation that other people can't fully understand.

Now, onto my faith journey.

This one is tricky, and honestly, I just want to summarize this in as few sentences as possible. I was born and raised in the Mormon church and fully recognize the amazing and good things that came from this community and faith tradition. It has only been the last few years that I have discovered and realized things within church history and theology that I am no longer comfortable with. I don't want to get into too much detail, but I will just say that I am no longer an active member.

This does not mean that I don't value my beautiful experiences within the church. I do. Immensely. I have just come to believe that God and love are so much bigger and vast than any of us can even imagine. For my own personal health and wellbeing, I have chosen to simplify my approach to all things spiritual. I don't claim to have all the answers anymore. I don't claim to have it all figured out anymore. I try to base my life on the principles of hope, love, kindness, gratitude, peace, wisdom, beauty, and compassion and just allow myself the grace to not have it all figured out. I try to allow other people to believe the things they believe without thinking I know it all or know what's best for them. It's just all so tricky and I just want to step back and cultivate love and beauty in the world the best way I know how.

So, onward and upward.

In love and compassion.

Hope and healing.

What a wild ride.

With love,

from Julia

A Journal and a Prayer

The world we live in today is so messy. It's amazing to me how many "answers" seem to be flying through the air like seagulls at the city dump.  The internet is bursting at the seams with it and we just can't buy into all the noise.

As we work to create meaningful, hopeful, healthy lives, we must somehow silence all the voices to find that place where our personal answers lie. The answers for me come as I write in my journal to get it all out and then pray with a sincere heart to know what to do. I then go back to my journal to evaluate. I continue this process and pattern over and over. As I do this, I find that I am usually directed to know which books to study, which protocol to follow, and which voice to listen to. I know I've talked about prayerful journaling before, but it's because it has helped me so much and continues to be my main pattern for guidance.

Hands down, the best place for me to sort through answers to my problems is through prayerful journaling!!

Limbic System Retraining

So I've stumbled upon something that I think might be very beneficial in my recovery process. I'm no scientist, so I won't even begin to try to explain it in detail, but apparently it's like brain exercises to help heal and retrain the limbic system that has gone a little haywire in some chronic illness states. I think this is an issue for me, so I plan on adding this to my routine each day.

I'm pretty sure this isn't the whole picture (like nothing ever seems to be) but I'm hopeful that it will be a positive part of the healing puzzle fore me!

Wait for the Dawn

There are times when the experiences in chronic illness can be so dark and difficult that it seems nearly impossible to believe that the sun will actually shine again. During those times, I tend to pray more deeply and more sincerely for God to show his hand of mercy in my life. These are the rough days and it's not always lifted right away. Sometimes we must wait. Sometimes we must endure. Sometimes we must submit. But somehow, it seems that the sun does return. A portion of the pain is lifted. Hope is renewed. Direction is given. Understanding is gained. Love is offered. Peace is felt.

"Wait for the Dawn" is a song that I wrote during a time that I was waiting for the sun to shine again on my journey.

Wait for the Dawn

Darkness falls
I close my eyes
Take a breath
And try one more time
To find the hope that's real
To find relief I long to feel

As I wait for the dawn
Wait for the sun to shine on me
Wait for dawn
Wait for the light to bring me peace
As I wait for the dawn

All alone
I say a simple prayer
Hoping you are really always there
To send the hope that's real
To send relief I long to feel

As I wait for the dawn
Wait for the sun to shine on me
Wait for dawn
Wait for the light to bring me peace
As I wait for the dawn

I'll hope to hope
And I'll to move on
I'll hope to hope
As I wait for the dawn

The Healing Path

I believe that chronic illness offers us the quiet invitation to step onto a profound healing path for our lives. This healing path may include physical healing, but also includes emotional and spiritual healing as well. When faced with the challenges that illness brings, we are left to either descend into a dark abyss or to choose to see, to learn, to grow, and to heal our lives where needed. This is often easier said than done. Sometimes the pain, discomfort, and fear are just so great that it's almost unbearable. Sometimes I just have to take a rest, have a good cry and allow myself to feel the frustration, pain, discouragement and disappointment. But when I am willing and ready, the time comes for me to recognize and accept the "learning moments" that are softly waiting for me along the path.

 Naturally, we as humans do not like to feel uncomfortable. When we experience pain or hardship, we strive to do all that we can to simply get rid of the discomfort so that we can move on to all the wonderful plans we have for our lives. I don't think that's inherently bad. In fact I think it's good to work toward feeling better physically. But I also think it needs to be kept in balance. In order to find that balance, we need to stop expecting our healing path to be one that is short, simple, and effortless. We need to accept that sometimes this path takes us to places we would rather not go. Places such as, learning to let go of control, accepting our limitations at certain points along the journey, letting go of anger or fear, learning to simplify, or learning to tune out all the unnecessary voices and discern what is best for our lives personally. These are the hard lessons to learn, but the lessons that are often the most important along the way.

 So as we think of the word "healing", let us not automatically think of a body that is free of suffering and pain. Let us remember that the healing journey is much more than that. Let us remember that this path includes the healing of our hearts, our minds, our relationships, and our souls.

I've Arrived!!

After more than a decade of working through the healing process, I finally found a pill that has done the trick. I'm all better!

NO. NOT. REALLY.

I'm writing this today because of the frustration that I feel when I see people say that they found the one product that has cured them from all of their woes and they are now free to live a life of ease that you could experience too if you just took this product. Really?

Here are a few things that I believe to be true about the healing process:

1. There is no one-size-fits-all approach to this. There just is not. We are all different. We all have different bodies, minds, and spirits. We cannot say that our way is the right way for everyone.

2. There is no magic pill. I believe in keeping a nice, individualized "toolbox for wellness" that is filled with personal strategies and processes, rather than searching high and low to find that one magic pill that will do the trick all at once. This toolbox seems to evolve over time and doesn't look exactly like anyone else's toolbox. You've discovered products and processes that work for you and I've discovered products and processes that work for me. (I've also discovered many that don't work for me, but that's a post for another day)

While I don't believe in a "magic pill", I do believe that there are times when we discover a tool for our personal "toolbox" that seems to be an important piece that can really make a big difference in our wellness. I have certainly found of few of those and am grateful for them. There are a lot of wellness possibilities and approaches out there and it is up to us to study, pray, and work to discover what works best for us personally.

3. Wellness is a journey, not a destination. I can honestly say that I have improved dramatically over the past several years, but I can also honestly say that I really haven't "arrived" at total wellness. I believe in the principle of "improving" rather than "arriving". We're all working through the process of how to manage these imperfect bodies and I believe it takes time, effort, evaluation, honesty and working through layers in various areas of the mind, body, and spirit.

So, the next time I see someone claim that they have the "magic pill" for wellness, I'm just going to try to smile and simply remind myself of these things that I believe to be true instead.