Write it Down, then Let it Go

Twenty days after my last post and I'm still sick. It can be so discouraging! Sometimes I get so mixed up about wether or not my body is actually healing. Despair, depression, and fear settle in and I find myself feeling that this will never end. I keep thinking about all the other people that have actually found success on their healing journeys, and I find hope again for a moment, but then it's back to fear again. Why does it have to be this way? Why is it so difficult to maintain a sense of hope and optimism? All I can do is try as best I can and hope that God will make up the difference for me. I know that hope is so important, but it's so easy to lose sight of it.

One thing that I have decided to get back to is writing down my healing plan. This usually helps me because when I'm feeling sick, crummy, and full of crazy symptoms, I can look at that plan and put my belief somewhere positive. The only difficult part is making sure that I do indeed believe in my healing plan. I find that it's best if I can find the quiet, meditative, prayerful side of myself while I take the time to write my plan. If I do this once a week, then I don't have to feel like I need to frantically change the plan up every day. I try to trust that as I prayerfully evaluate my plan each week, then I don't need to carry the weight with me on a consistent basis. The idea is that I can let it go and be at peace with the process.

The other thing I'm going to do is write down my thoughts, frustrations, and symptoms in a journal. I think it's really important to be honest with myself about how I feel during this time. Sometimes I put on this "warrior" hat and even feel like I have to pretend that I'm not sick. But I don't like to feel like a pretender, especially when I feel awful! I don't like to feel like I'm ignoring the difficult symptoms that I'm experiencing. On the other hand, I know that it's not good to wallow in my misery and complain to everyone around me. So I think the best solution is to write it all down, pray for validation, and then get up and let it go and move to a place of FAITH, HOPE, and OPTIMISM! At that point, I try to rise above the symptoms and move through my day in peace and trust, rather than self pity. This all sounds lovely and is what I strive for, but is honestly very hard for me to do at times. Peace out.

Sick Again

So, we got back from California last week. The Jason Mraz concert was awesome!! It was an acoustic evening in a small venue and we got to get his autograph afterwards. I know a 38 year-old shouldn't get so excited about something like that, but it was so fun to get to meet my favorite songwriter!!! The band "Raining Jane" was there with him too and they were great. We got to meet them and talk afterwards. They seem like such great people.

When we got back home, I knew it was time to start the anti-fungal protocol. Somehow my body must have known it as well because I've been so sick even though I haven't even taken any anti-fungals. It's like my body knows I have given it permission to let it go now. Ugh. Sigh. I had an NMT (energetic healing) treatment several weeks ago that was for the fungal issue, so I'm thinking that has something to do with it as well. Lyme might be working it's way out the door too.

Anyway, here goes...I'm going to write what's happening as honestly as I can. It doesn't seem worth writing this all down if I'm not honest.

Symptoms that seem to be related to the release of toxins:

Sweating episodes
Depression and discouragement!!
Hormone craziness
Gallbladder inflammation and pain (burping, burping, pain, pain) I had the gallbladder checked a while back and there were no gallstones, so I'm chalking it up to the cleansing process.
Pancreatic inflammation and pain
Nausea
Inability to tolerate any foods (I'm making a smooth oat paste right now, that I'm trying to eat every few hours to keep some calories in me) My face is looking quite gaunt right now. In fact I scare myself when I look in the mirror. Need food. Heaven, please help me on this one.

I know all the stuff they say to fix all this...do this, do that, do this, do that, take this, take that, take this, take that.....but right now, my body flares up whenever I do anything, so I'm just trying to drink lots of water and rest as much as I can.

I went to my doctor yesterday and he doesn't seem to be worried by any of it, so I'm just going to try not to panic.

It's interesting, because when I look at that list, I realize that a lot of the old symptoms I used to get aren't as pronounced as they used to be, like the "spinning into oblivion" and "feeling like I can't breath". So even though this round is hard, I'm glad it's not as bad as it had been in the past. I think my hormones are better than they used to be, even though they aren't all the way balanced yet.

Anyway, that's where I'm at today. Hoping to be able to tolerate some more food soon.