My Letter to God on Behalf of Religion

Dear God,

I don't know if you've noticed, but it's pretty messy down here. Every person that walks this planet seems to have a different idea about who you are and how we are to get to heaven.

Some of those differences are minor. Some, not so much.

Me, I pretty much had it all figured out by the time I was eight. I had my checklist in hand and was pleased with the fact that my life was mapped out to the finest of details.

But then, life happened.

And I began to see that there were inconsistencies and disagreements even among the leaders of my own church.

So I set out to find the Truth.

For years, I read.

I pondered.

I prayed and read some more.

And what I found out was that it's not so easy. It's not quite so black and white. It's not as clear as I was led to believe.

And so I'm left to wonder.

What am I to do?

Do I continue down this rabbit hole of mental chaos and torture?

Do I spend the limited years I have here in a nonstop cycle of debate and interpretation?

Do I continue to wrestle with questions that cannot possibly be answered?

I hope you will forgive me, but I can no longer keep up this pace.

Every hour that I spend in this never-ending spiral, could be spent caring for the sick, helping the poor, standing with the oppressed, loving my neighbor, and cultivating joy, peace, hope, and beauty the best way I know how.

So this is my choice.

I choose to surrender.

And give up the fight.

To know what is Right.

I'll let it all go and choose to believe

That I don't have to Know

In order to Love.

With love,

from Julia

Update More than Five Years Later

Wow! So, it's more than five years later and I've decided to do an update on my health and faith journey. We're right in the middle of this Covid-19 global pandemic stuff, so I'm finding myself in the mood to reflect and write a little.

It has been quite the journey!

As far as my health goes, I have made great progress. I would say that, overall, my energy and ability to function in life is about 80-90%, which is so amazing to me considering the fact that I spent more than a decade mostly confined to my bed. I am so, so thankful for this. I am also fully aware that life is a mixed-bag, so I hold this reality very gently. I try not to cling too tightly to any one state of being anymore. It just feels like less pressure this way.

My years of relentlessly searching, seeking, trying, and failing were not in vain and I believe that it has been a combination of several tools that have helped me improve over the years. I still believe that every person's healing journey is unique and that we each have to find the tools that work best for us individually. I have recently watched a few of my close family members work through chronic illness and can honestly say that we are all different, even if we seem to have some of the same problems going on.

I still have to be very careful with environmental triggers. Certain foods, chemicals, and other exposures can almost instantly put my body back into a state of severe pain and inflammation, so I've just learned to pay attention. I also have to take stress very seriously. This often confuses people and I still have to say no a lot, but I have learned to be ok with it. Only I know the details of what is going on with my body, so I have reserved the right to decide what is best for me. This has been incredibly difficult on some of my relationships (and I know I've made mistakes along the way) but I just try to give myself and others grace as we try to navigate through it. Some of my relationships have changed forever. It's just the reality of living with a health situation that other people can't fully understand.

Now, onto my faith journey.

This one is tricky, and honestly, I just want to summarize this in as few sentences as possible. I was born and raised in the Mormon church and fully recognize the amazing and good things that came from this community and faith tradition. It has only been the last few years that I have discovered and realized things within church history and theology that I am no longer comfortable with. I don't want to get into too much detail, but I will just say that I am no longer an active member.

This does not mean that I don't value my beautiful experiences within the church. I do. Immensely. I have just come to believe that God and love are so much bigger and vast than any of us can even imagine. For my own personal health and wellbeing, I have chosen to simplify my approach to all things spiritual. I don't claim to have all the answers anymore. I don't claim to have it all figured out anymore. I try to base my life on the principles of hope, love, kindness, gratitude, peace, wisdom, beauty, and compassion and just allow myself the grace to not have it all figured out. I try to allow other people to believe the things they believe without thinking I know it all or know what's best for them. It's just all so tricky and I just want to step back and cultivate love and beauty in the world the best way I know how.

So, onward and upward.

In love and compassion.

Hope and healing.

What a wild ride.

With love,

from Julia